2014 Year in Review

It's sad that the last time I blogged was last New Year's. Good thing redoing my blog is one of my goals for 2015!

I always do an annual review of the year and New Year's is basically becoming a type of Christmas for me. I love starting fresh, re-establishing boundaries and making new goals. I spent all day mapping out next year and setting up check-ins. Some people might say it's too structured, but for me, it keeps me on track and having ideas and concepts and projects that I want to do written out is inspiring! I don't forget things that way. And next year is going to be a big year.

2014

There were some challenges....

I had an unexpected and rushed move and with the way the timing on my new place worked out, I basically had to move all my items twice. That process took up most of summer. But it was a good learning process and I love love love my new place. I love it so much. It's really the first long term apartment where I haven't had roommates. It's teeny tiny in this great area right next to my favorite restaurants and shops and close to work. I loooove it.

It was honestly a very challenging year with my job. We acquired two companies and both happened to be in the regions that I am responsible for with marketing. A lot of work and lessons learned and really looking forward to 2015.

I had a couple (what I truly hope will be the last) burning parties when I found remnants of an old life (that somehow missed the last burning parties over the past 4 years) and had to get rid of them. I can't throw them away. That's not good enough. It's not final enough. It has to be destroyed. There has to be a finality to it, a sense of closure. I look at trash that's thrown away and if you follow the path of of that tossed item, it's still got a lot of life before it ends up in a land fill. That won't work for these remnants. I need to know they are destroyed and it needs to be at my own hand. But this year, the burnings were different. One took over 4 hours. I did it on a BBQ by myself with headphones on, peaceful, happy music blasting. And with almost each item I burned, I said a prayer. I spoke nice, positive wishes out into the world toward my ex and his soon to be new wife, and I genuinely put it behind me. It was easily one of the most 'spiritual' experiences of my life, though that is a very broad term. It was after this zen, non hate centered experience that I was so proud of, that I unexpectedly came across ADDITIONAL REMNANTS at my new apartment one day. I panicked. NOTHING of the old had made it into my new, wonderful, lovely safe, all-my-very-own space. The other items I found in storage during the move. Now, here I was minding my own business one night and stumbled upon these photos. It was like finding a huge spider and being home alone. I had no lighter or matches. What was I to do? I decided not to risk the toilet flush. I called my downstairs neighbor, who is a friend of mine and said I needed a lighter, no questions asked. A few minutes later, he was standing at my door and asked why I needed it. "Oh, just, you know. Stuff." So I decided to burn them in the kitchen sink. It worked. My pulse stopped racing as soon as I saw the flames consume the photos and I felt all had been made right in my little world. Until the smoke alarm went off. Twice. And then texts from my neighbor, who could hear from downstairs. And then I saw my sink was charred. The new sink in my brand new apartment was charred from when I let the photos and flames in the sink to go fan the smoke alarm. So I spent days scrubbing and it's finally ok. So so much for the zen experience.

I don't know if I can categorize wedding planning as a challenge, but it definitely has not been easy and it's something I'm looking forward to wrapping up in 2015.

There were some health issues that carried over from 2013, when I had just started investigating. For someone who hates doctors, having a regular MD, 2 naturopaths, a D.O., a physical therapist, an allergist, an acupuncturist, a hormone specialist and an endocrinologist in 2014 made me feel like a raging hypochondriac. Oh, plus my regular therapist. Ha. So that hasn't been fun, but I am starting to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. It really changed when I went to see a specialist in CA in October so it's recently better, but I think we are on the right track.

I took a class called Smart Success in 2014 that is on the celebration list HOWEVER, I started that class with a goal of writing one thing, and what's come out of it is something else entirely. That has been challenging. I don't want to publish what's come out of it, but I am getting more and more convinced that I need to and it's what the world needs.

There were some celebrations...

Travel

I think the obvious gem in this year is the travel. I finally saw my beloved Eiffel Tower and toured Paris and it was just as magical as I had always hoped. It was looped in with a whirlwind tour of London and the French-Swiss Alps as well. I should write about that more in 2015. I had planned to blog on it last year but did not make the time. Going on the to-do list for '15...

This photo was taken right after I saw it for the first time. 

I took this photo to capture the magic.

I took this photo from the top of the Eiffel Tower. This is a shot of The Trocadero, which is where Ryan proposed. So it's the platform above the fountain in that wide space between the two buildings. It's an iconic location that has been in several fashion magazines, music videos, and films over the years. 

I took this photo from the Trocadero, but this was twinkling several hours before he proposed earlier in the evening. We came back later at midnight after dinner. 

Engagement

The trip was amazing and of course, the other travel related gem was Ryan's proposal. I wasn't sure if he would ask me there, though I had assumed it was coming at some point in 2014. There was a summer event with my family that I had assumed it would be on, but I wasn't sure. When he didn't propose in London, a city he was excited to show me as he spent his grad semester abroad there, and he didn't propose the first, second, or third time we were at the Eiffel Tower and gardens in Paris, I figured I was right--that he would ask sometime later when we were with my family. I relaxed and stopped thinking about it and of course he asked just before we left after a very magical day. I can't even begin to describe it. It didn't feel real. It still doesn't. When I talk about it, it doesn't sound real. In a way, even with the insane setting, it was very simple. His words were simple. The timing was very 'in the moment' as they say; there was no elaborate scheme or schedule. It seemed like breathing. I'll cherish that story forever...and it was so sweet and fun to call home and tell our bursting parents and siblings the news. (little did I know that #engagementwatch2014 had become a hashtag).

I like being engaged. I love being engaged actually. It's the planning and the wedding parts that have been challenging. I  detest the industry. I detest the process and the cost and it's all just ridiculous. It's also challenging for other reasons and I have taken my time working with Ryan and planning what is right for us and not other people. I'm happy to have friends and family who support that process.

Smart Success

Ryan and I invested in a course that I am not even really sure how to explain. It is designed for entrepreneurs, something we are both working toward I guess in our own ways. It's about life and relationships and goal planning and about mapping out what you want your life to look like. I honestly can say it has changed us a lot for the better. We are working toward specific goals, individually and together, for our careers. We have both become way more organized in our approach to everything and it really united us--we each have different career goals but it somehow got us on the same page. So that's been crazy and awesome and lots of hard work, but we are learning a lot. I've met some amazing people through this and we are excited to continue that in 2015.

For 2015, the theme I am sensing is vulnerability....

I truly feel this is at the core of 2015 in a number of ways. The wedding will definitely require this of me. Again, the writing projects that came out of Smart Success are not the ones I went in with. I'm still working on those, too, but much more personal stuff has been pouring out and I am seeing there is a need. My Smart Success coach has been working with me on sharing some of these items with the group because I am so scared to go public with any of it. But it's all stuff that I am seeing and hearing a need for.

I'm hoping to continue my personal development with the Part Deux of this program but we will see. It's a pretty full year as it is, but I do not want to lose momentum.

There will be another move as Ryan and I combine households.

I know there will be travel because of our honeymoon and though we aren't sure where yet, I am very excited about the prospects.

I know there will be lots of writing.

It's time to end some negative habits and stop cutting myself such slack.

I know there will be some unexpected opportunities as well, though I'm not sure what.

I'm looking forward to it.

2013

Hello Dear Dedicated Readers,



I just wrote a pretty detailed Facebook status, and thought I would take a moment to start the new year off right--by writing--and expounding a little on the status.

I officially launched my career with a company that I'm thrilled to work for. I was promoted twice.  I have amazing colleagues and I truly believe our company helps make the world a better place. It's also what I went to school for and for that I'm blessed. I wake up excited to go to work and that's awesome. 

The debt free thing was just awesome and I'm so excited. And I made the decision to celebrate the little things much more frequently and I've gotten really good at doing that--for me and for other people. And it's so awesome and I don't know how I never did it before. 

I really do have a team of people working with me now on health issues. It's been really humbling, actually, and it definitely takes dedication to work on these types of things. It brought some unexpected issues from years ago, actually, which was good and also more depressing at the same time. And I had to say, "I'm a victim" for the first time. 

The part about owning my story goes hand in hand with the part about now having some loved ones here. For the last couple of years, I have been getting over my divorce, sure. But it all still felt like a black mark on my record, something I wasn't proud of, something I didn't talk about. And, sure, you don't have to go around announcing your life story to everyone. But you also shouldn't be as focused on hiding it as I was. 

And I was really focused on hiding it, folks. 

I had come into a new community of friends here and had known them for quite awhile and was specifically leaving out this huge part of who I was. Again, nothing wrong with that per se, but I was hiding it because I was ashamed and scared. 

I won't go into details, but needless to say, it all came out in dramatic fashion (as per the usual in my life, right?) and that launched me into this phase of ownership and then acceptance. It was kind of painful and then kind of magical. And I really started to take that experience as PART of who I am now. I refer to it now as the catalyst to this amazing journey I've been on. It's no longer this chunk that I like to skip over. 

In fact, there was kind of a shocking moment last week as I drove to Idaho to be with my family for Christmas. Me driving alone for hours is of course going to lead to some deep revelation about something. And it hit me that I was actually thankful for what happened. So instead of analyzing and over analyzing what happened, how I could have avoided it in the past, how I can avoid it in the future, analyzing some more trying desperately to figure out where I went wrong blah blah blah, for the first time, I thought...I'm actually thankful it all happened the way it did because I truly would not be me without it. And that all sounds obvious and like hashtag duh, but seriously, it wasn't like that till last week. That's huge. 

With that acceptance came this sort of casual, yet powerful, new attitude of this is who I am. Take it or leave it. And a non-rebellious, thanks for your opinion, but good or bad, it really doesn't matter to me. I say that gently now, not with my tongue stuck out and my face scrunched up. 

And oh my gosh I WROTE A NEW STORY. I literally got a brand new idea for a fictional plot and saw that go from a generic concept to an actual story--and there was lots of work and blood, sweat and tears. But it literally happened. And opportunities for it to actually get out there and go somewhere fell in my lap out of nowhere. I showed up and wrote, which in my opinion, is all I'm called to do. And the rest has been completely out of my hands and floating into the world on happy thoughts. 

I'm not ending the year out what I would consider is the 'right foot.' I've been really sick with almost pneumonia, strep throat, cold/flu and bronchitis for almost two weeks. I haven't been this sick in years! Missing work, my normal schedule, and the gym! But I think the lesson here is that it's ok to rely on others when I need help...taking that little lesson into the new year as well. 

A couple recent magical moments...I had this amazing dream that showed me some incredible truths that I know I've been needing to learn. It gave me a visual cue unlike any other and I'm so so so happy about it. Also, in the moments before the new year, I remembered how to dance again. How magical!

I am so so excited to see what opportunities come next year. They are already happening. I have writing project and travel plans up the air right now, and I don't know what will come. There's a lot of unknown and I'm thrilled. 

I'm taking the words of Idina Mendzel's 'Let it Go' with me into the new year: 

Let it go, let it go

And I'll rise like the break of dawn

Let it go, let it go

That perfect girl is gone

Here is stand in the light of day...

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore.

It's funny how some distance makes everything small

And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all

It's time to see what I can do...

I'm free...

(Yes, that's from Disney's Frozen, in case you were wondering). 

Tomorrow, as always, is a day spent on goal planning for the new year--big and little, professional and personal-everything. It's also dedicated to an analysis of last year's goals, and plans for any leftovers in the new year.  It's tradition. (Tradition....tradition!!!)

But the word for 2014 is MAGIC--the kind you make and the kind that happens to you. Three cheers to the new year!

'Tis a Very Vibrant Autumn

To my faithful followers--thank you SO MUCH for subscribing to this blog. There aren't very many of you--more than I can count on my fingers, but fewer than I can count using fingers AND toes. I thank you for your loyal support. And I warn you that this post may be a jumbled run-on sentence of thoughts and ideas and revelations--all a mirror of the beautiful chaos that's been enveloping me since the season began changing. So, I thank you in advance for your patience in interpreting the web of deep and confused loveliness that's about to overtake you. And music is a huge part of my process, so get ready.

The photo to the left is a collage of photos I've taken near my apartment in Lake Oswego in the last week. I've only lived in my little lake town for two years now, but this will be my third winter here and I've been having random conversations with people about how vibrant the colors seem to be this fall--it's more than usual. There's a spark in the air. There's magic, somehow.

Lots of things are changing...'tis the season after all...

Somewhere in the midst of it all, I'm learning that I'm beautiful. I lost that a long time ago.

 I could tell you the exact moment, but this isn't the platform. It's a very sharp, poignant memory. And it will be shared another day. But the recovery is amazing and good and insane. (See my go-to recovery song--aptly  named--here):

"Yeah, cause broken people can get better if they really want to. Or at least that what I have to tell myself if I am hoping to survive!It's a long road up to recovery from here, A long way back to the light."

Random thoughts of the week:

1). For the first time ever, on my run the other day I wasn't fretting about making minor points of the story I'm currently working on. Usually, I have these grand ideas, and fall extremely short in a tiny little department we like to call LOGISTICS. Nope. Not this time. I was practically skipping down the sidewalk kicking up my heels thinking I have a brilliant story that actually works. Everything works. EVERYTHING WORKS. Sure, it needs some fine tuning. But it has all of my key ingredients--great characters that I can go a million different directions with, an action driven (READ: NOT SAPPY LOVE STORY DRIVEN). Lots of tension in relationships. A side-note of a brilliant, heart breaking love story. And better yet, it's all based on true events. It's for a cause. It's education. It's me wrapping up real problems and real issues in a fancy, exciting story-line and getting you distracted and caught up in that while I teach you stuff that's going on in your backyard. And of course, I give you resources to help and to fight on behalf of the innocent. This is the stuff I did all through high school and college--every paper or speech I could turn into 'edutainment,' I'd do it. I used to end most of my presentations in undergrad with, 'I'm Katie and I'm trying to change the world.' That was my signature. I got away from that in recent years. Well, I'm back. So yes, back to skipping down sidewalks like a giddy school girl ever so happy that my story works. It's just a matter of getting it out into the world. And that's the easy part, right? The hard part is coming up with a good story.

2). I love flowers. Obsessed with them. All kinds. What do flowers grow in? Dirt. And what helps them grow? Compost. Manure. Don't make me use the four letter word to make that analogy any more clear. I've been obsessed with that idea all week. Getting rid of manure helps beautiful, bright, vibrant flowers to grow in the world. In love with this concept. It's grade school botany and enlightenment all wrapped up in one package.

3). Strength & intuition. I wouldn't normally toss those two into a salad, but it's how they are both coming at me--together. There's an immense feeling of strength welling up, and learning to take that and breathe it unknowingly into others is a beautiful thing. It's like playing with The Force, really. And it's a blast. Coming out of a selfish perspective and being others focused is always shockingly satisfying!  I've had a few experiences lately that have reminded me of the power of intuition and discernment. I'm not doubting it anymore. Trusting that instinct and using strength, primarily via the conduit of vulnerability, is a beautiful thing.

4). I'm coming slowly back to the work I knew I was born to do when I was little. I've avoided that for years and I'm finally seeing the unique gifts and the specific beauty that I was created to bring into the world. It's really a wonderful love story and by accepting it, I can make a difference.

5). I'm not afraid to talk to anybody. When I was little, I always understood that I was created for a purpose and I was never afraid to pray or talk to God. In fact, we would often have grand conversations as I played for hours. I grew up talking to God like this about what I was supposed to do and how to do it, but then other kids start thinking you're crazy and then other teenagers and adults start thinking you're crazy. And you move away from that type of interaction, and away from a very raw form of imagination. Then you grow up and realize, crazy or not, not everyone does that and it's this unique, organic thing that is special. So it's been like that lately.

6). I'm a recovering sugar-coater. There I said it. ("Hi, I'm Katie...") I have an amazing collection of friends on all sides of politics and religion, ok. And I love this. I love the diversity and the amazing conversations I get into with my friends from all over the world. I think having people around you that think differently is incredibly healthy. It helps with two things: avoiding group think and keeping the perspective fresh. I'm all about both of those things, personally and professionally. But let's face it--as opinionated as I am, I'm a people pleaser. It's getting less and less as I get older. So fair warning to all y'all. It's not that I've changed. I'm caring less what people think and that's an awesome thing.

That's what all this healing is coming down to. I'm learning that everyone is somehow broken, and  people heal differently, and some issues and things take years to fix and lots of sledge hammering to break down. Then lots of love to build up. (Yes, I'm aware that I just typed a run-on and then a fragment). I'm learning that my body is ready to heal, ready to experience new chapters of pain and pleasure. What a blessing, right? That I'm on the edge and not fighting all of this wonderful stuff I'm learning from so many different directions.

The same approach taken toward healing the physical is happening on the inside about being beautiful. I'm ready to believe it. This isn't meant as some narcissistic ploy to get attention or compliments--this is real, brutal honesty. And beauty, of course. I lost that years ago and it's coming back.

There's a lot going on beneath the surface, which seems to be expected every fall. Much of it began with a journey of healing.  It's interesting because, of course I'm meeting people and pouring over discussion forums of hundreds of women who have dealt with similar issues, but who haven't had the support team I've had and that I've chosen to put in place around me for this. Once again, I'm drawn to my chalk board with ideas for a story--this time, not one that's fictional, but one that is a voice for women who have been dismissed casually by doctors or dismissed themselves and thinking they are going crazy. I'm drawn to be a voice for a different audience so something tangible might come from that eventually.

Within this process that I began with a stressed out, overwhelmed, frustrated brain, I'm coming through with an inspired heart that has seen patterns emerge out of nowhere and a sort of connect-the-dots picture page of seemingly unrelated issues. I've felt like an idiot, a mad scientist, and inconsistently, a brilliant, wise wizard at times during this and it's quite entertaining.

The first thing I think is interesting once again is the caliber of my support team. If you're ever going through a rough time no matter what you're dealing with, in regards to your support team--you must choose wisely.

I've been reading accounts of women who were dismissed by doctors and therapists and while I've experienced that briefly, once again, the people that walk into my life are magical. I find truly amazing people wherever I go. I seriously don't know if this is because I believe in magic, or if it's because I'm lucky. It might be both. I run into the coolest people ever so that helps my process immensely. That only gives me a burden to speak up for those who don't have such a supportive support team, for those who have experienced doubt and mocking. That's soon to come.....

I'm also writing again. Oh happy day. I've not worked this completely and comprehensively on a project since before I started college. It's a good feeling. And it's also duly noted that The Gentleman is able to handle me in the middle of that process--no small feat as I tread the line between genius and insanity working steady 8-5 work days during Monday-Friday and the crazy, exhausted, creative artist life Friday-Sunday.

Thanks for reading this crazy update. I just had to get all the randomness out on paper and it's times like these I'm glad I don't have a huge online blog following. Ha. I'm working on getting some content out about a few different journeys in my life because I meet people all the time who have gone through the same things, or something similar and we all need inspiration and we all need to know we aren't alone. It's the alone feelings of hopelessness that I think are the most damaging and the most cruel. That's when the world looks dark. When it looks like that darkness is unending, we fall into the depths of dangerous places. I have several friends right now going through dark times and while I can't fix everything, I can check in and let them know they aren't alone. The worst thing about hopelessness is that it's so freaking permanent. Right? It's not fleeting. That's not truth. The state you're in, positive or negative, won't last forever. Keep up the hope and the fight till there's a break in the battle or until you get to the other side. And don't hate the process. It's purifying and freeing, though I know that sounds grossly optimistic if you're really in the middle of a dark hole right now.

If this is you, watch this video (the WHOLE video--key scene near the end when she runs out the door in a white dress) and scream out the chorus. You're welcome.

And if you're in the crazy, beautiful, insane, learning-things-at-mock-speed section of this process,  maybe you'll find some inspiration here. Their covers move me to tears. If you don't believe in magic, listen to this. And if you still don't believe in magic, well then, I guess we need to do some work.

If you're going through something right now, find the silver lining. Find the hope somewhere. Look for those cadences of continuity and steady determination even in music written in a minor key. I'm experiencing this crazy ride that is this vibrant fall. I can't help but think it's building up to something, though I don't know what it is. But I see a need for inspiration in the world. I see gaps that hope can fill. I am beyond grateful and blessed at the people that are in my life and the loving, safe hands that have brought me hope In those unselfish, loving moments, I see magic. It can be at Starbucks or it can be with my loved ones.

So if you are hurting, find the hope, find the magic.
And if you're learning or on the other side, give the magic! Choose the method for your madness--fairy dust, wand, The Force--whatever it is.

Learning so much and feeling so much love right now! It's lovely and magical. And beautiful. And so are you. And so am I.

Till next time,

Kate

On a Day Like Today...

I was traveling for work today. So I made the three hour drive from my office where I coordinate marketing stuff for two regions of my company three hours south to Central Oregon for a series of meetings and presentations. I always seem to have a whirlwind of thoughts on my work drives. It's kind of funny. I went from rain to fog to hot sun all within about an hour drive this morning. Maybe the weather influences my emotions so I get to thinking about people and patterns and everything else. 

I usually listen to podcasts and music on my long drives. Today, I listened to one from the infamous and amazing Tony Robbins. You have to understand that I downloaded this in July and only listened to it today. In closing, he discussed where he was on 9/11/01. I thought that was ironic. Then the story gave me chills and made me burst into tears. (I then had to duck into a Starbucks bathroom in the middle of nowhere in central Oregon and fix my makeup for my meeting). He said that he was in Hawaii for a conference that week. He met a woman who was there. She was in a serious relationship but wouldn't commit to her boyfriend because her previous boyfriend had been abducted and violently murdered. So even though she was in a serious relationship with her current boyfriend, she was scared to death. So at the conference event on the evening of September 10th, she spoke up in her small group and admitted that she was operating on fear. In fact, they got in a huge fight before she left because he thought that she was running away by going to this conference. So she called her boyfriend at work, but he didn't answer his phone. He worked in an office at the top of the World Trade Center in NYC, so she left him a message. (You are probably accurately getting an accurate feeling of this not ending well..)

So she called and her voicemail went something like this and if you've heard this story or read it later, I'm paraphrasing: "Hi. I love you so much and I'm sorry I've been so afraid to lose you. I'm ready for the next step and I want to be with you forever." Well, he called her back. But it was 3AM Hawaii time. So she was asleep and didn't hear the phone ring. So he left a message. And his message went something like this (he was crying: "I love you so much. Got your message. I was at work. I'm so happy. You've made me the happiest man alive. I can't wait for you to come home. Will try to call again tomorrow."

And as we all know, that didn't happen because he didn't make it to the end of the next work day.

I couldn't hold in the tears. There are lots of reasons why, but two things stood out.

First, I wanted to call all my loved ones and say I loved them. I didn't care about fights or pride or past isssues. None of that stuff really matters, you know? Second, I knew this hit a chord in my deepest heart of hearts in relation to myself and Ryan. (More later). Third, I found my out of a maze that I've been in for awhile.

Let me explain. If you don't know who Tony Robbins is, that's a shame. I had the privilege of seeing him speak in person in June and it was amazing. So the whole reason he brought this up in the podcast was because he was talking about how he asks people what they would do if they had a week to live at his conferences. Here's my list:

Fly to Paris
Write a novel (yes, in a week, in hopes of it somehow getting discovered and leaving my legacy)
Probably marry Ryan at a courthouse somewhere in a ballgown and a lovely hat (if he would have me that is. It's not like we are engaged and he hasn't even proposed).
Hug my parents
Watch Breakfast at Tiffany's
Write letters to all my loved ones--my family, my teachers, my extended family, a few of my colleagues--telling them how much they make a difference in this world
Eat tiramisu
Kiss Ryan lots

(And not necessarily in that order). BUT HERE'S THE THING. I've heard that question a million times. I even heard him ask it live. But my first reaction was--um A). I don't have cancer. B). I can't live like that at least right now because I have a job I have to show up to work for so I can't spend my days flying all over the world or just writing because I have to make a living.

BUT HERE'S WHAT HIT ME TODAY---IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT THE PHYSICAL THINGS I WOULD DO. IT'S ALSO ABOUT THE EMOTIONAL/SPIRITUAL.

What do I mean? Ok. Let's say I had a week to live. WHAT WOULD I NOT BE DOING????

I sure as hell wouldn't be mad at my ex! I wouldn't be mad at his family! I wouldn't be mad at the cards life has dealt me despite my best efforts! I wouldn't be upset that I'm not at my deal weight!

Why??

THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY TIME. IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

I'm all about getting through the muck that is reality. Ok? And when I look back over my journey, I am proud of the work that I've put in. Go through it, not over it--a huge lesson we learn from Finding Nemo. I'm all about going through it. And you can't fake it. You can't distract yourself or avoid it because it will come back to haunt you. (Even if it's not now, it might be in a few years when you think it's gone. Trust me).  But at the same time, I wish that I would have "gotten it" earlier, sooner, faster, quicker. Whatever. Because, folks--to anyone who is going through the proverbial muck right now, staying there is so not worth it.

I have several friends dealing with rough situations right now with kids, spouses, ex spouses, soon to be ex spouses. And you've got to get through it and honestly deal and not distract or just get rid of it casually. But I often hear them getting irritated or annoyed or frustrated (and rightly so) with stupid stuff that comes with these types of situations and I have this odd emotional feeling--that of wanting to reach out and hug them tightly and at the same time, hitting them with a sledge hammer over their head to try to beat this into them so they don't lose moments I lost and am now regretting.

But I no longer have time for any of that. I'm done. I've gone through my muck. (Still going through some of it in some lingering health issues which have become really difficult to balance lately, but that's also another story). I finally realized today listing to Tony Robbins that it's not just about what you would PHYSICALLY do if you had a week to live. It's about what you would do emotionally and spiritually. And I'm done. I'm so done. I can't even convey how done I am with words. You would have to be sitting here with me looking me in the eye, listening to me talk at lightening speed, and motion with my hands to get it.

I'm focusing on the now, finally. It's hard to explain. So I'll only explain the important parts because there isn't time to beat around the bush. It's been a long road, but I'm ok. I'm ok. When I picture life without Ryan right now, it's like picturing not breathing. It's this feeling of having no air, no eyes to see color. I can't imagine it. I'm so so so thankful for what God has brought me. I can't even explain with words. I'm so thankful that I don't have time to focus on anything else. End of story, no matter how much my brain wants to fight it.

So that's my situation. What are you holding onto that it unncessary? What are you keeping that you would wouldn't give a second thought to if you had one week to live? Is there anything you're not saying to people? Is there anything you are saying to yourself that needs to stop? What would you NOT have time for if you had one week to live? That's what got my attention.


If there's anything you need to let go of, I encourage you--by whatever means possible--let go of it, sooner rather than later. And if there's anything you need to say to someone, say it.

One of my favorite songs of all time is 'Somewhere Only We Know,' by Keane. It's actually one of my songs with Ryan from years ago..(yeah...I should probably blog about that lol since not everybody knows that story). But one of Keane's lesser known songs is a a song called 'On a Day Like Today.' It's odd or interesting that they are responsble for our first song and also THIS song. I've copied the lyrics below. In remembrance of tomorrow, 9/11, I'm applying this concept. I'm applying it in the most honorably way I am able, and in a way that I believe respects the victims and those who suffered losses. I always call my closest loved ones and tell them I love them. I don't have time for anything else. That's a concept I'm going to apply from now on.

Here are the lyrics:

On a day like today


I looked at you and I

Saw something in the way

You stared into the sky

I saw you were sick

And tired of my wrong turns

If you only knew the way I feel

I'd really love to tell you



But I could never seem to say the things I needed to

On a day like today no other words would do



I saw you were sick

And tired of my wrong turns

If you only knew the way I feel

I'd really love to tell you



But I can never find the words to say and I don't know why

I can't find the words to say and I don't know why"  

And the video.    

Of the Force & First Class

Ok so let’s talk about X Men First Class and Star Wars, which may seem unrelated to rough times and trials. I know in my discussion of this, I’m really relating it to my divorce. But I think it can really be applied to any situation in life that’s rough, that’s hard to overcome. It’s this issue of when you are wronged—and I’m talking about specific situations in which you are the victim of someone else’s wrongdoing.

 There’s always different ways to look at situations that involve pain. Sometimes we’re the perpetrators, right? We’re the  ones causing the problem. We’re the ones that had an affair, cheated on a test, screwed up at work. If you’re going to overcome those situations, it takes a different kind of strength. It’s a different process that involves responsibility and taking ownership of your mistake and setting a commitment plan to not do that again, or to avoid doing it again as best as you can. So that involves taking ownership and that involves accepting the blame and changing. It involves true change, maybe repentance, but for sure feeling true pain, feeling true sorrow, admitting that you hurt other people and moving on from that. That’s very different. And I’ve seen people move on from that—from huge, huge mistakes. So it is possible.

Something that I’ve noticed is that it’s really easy for me to take ownership and blame and go ‘ I screwed up. Here’s how I’m not going to do this again. Here’s how I’m not going to hurt my loved ones again. This is what I’m going to do.” That, to me, is easier than when the wrong has been done to me and I’m dealing with that kind of pain—when I’m a victim. So I hate being a victim to an extent that I’ve even taken blame for huge things in life that were not my fault, but in a way to explain the situation and explain someone else’s crazy actions—which we can’t actually do, right? We try to, but we can’t. in a way to explain those, I took blame on myself and took blame on myself for a situation involving some verbal sexual abuse from a pastor when I was 17. That’s another story.

As much as I hate being the victim, and this is what I was told when I was in counseling sessions when they said ‘you need to accept that you’ve been wrong and you’re the victim here,’ and I would say, ‘no I’m not! If I hadn’t been interviewing this pastor, I wouldn’t have even gotten to know him and I must have been giving off signals subconsciously that this was ok.’ Even though I knew that wasn’t true! I was lying to myself in an effort to find some way to make sense of an inappropriate perspective about our relationship from this pastor who I had no control over. Trusted family friend to pervert overnight.

As much as I hate doing that, and I’ve done this a number of times, subconsciously I milk it for all that it’s worth. That’s really weird to admit. Some people have said to me, if you don’t like being a victim, you wouldn’t be milking it for all that it’s worth. You can’t have both things be true. Like you hate being a victim and you hate not being in control, but you’re playing the attention card, and playing the victim card—those things can’t happen at the same time. No it actually can be true at the same time, only I’m not aware of it. One is a brain thing and one is a heart thing, and mine typically operate on two different wavelengths instead of together.

In being a victim in that situation in my life, which was a big situation in my life that really changed me and affected me, I felt the power of the dark side. I felt uncontrollable hate and anger. I’m not one that collapses into a pile of tears. That’s not my initial response to pain. My initial response is anger and blame. And it’s easy to blame my husband who left and it’s easy to blame this pastor who was stupid.

What I didn’t realize for awhile is that you walk down this road and you start justifying the dark side. Under any normal circumstances—regular, sunny day, you’re walking down the street happy in your life. And you’re not going to pick the dark side knowingly. Nobody does. Even Anakin Skywalker didn’t. he justified his draw to the dark side by what? Some minor victim mentality issues (feeling taken advantage of, not appreciated blah blah blah) and saving Padme. Right? This is really  making me sound like a nerd.

But that’s what you have to understand about the dark side. There’s always a way to justify it. For me it was when I was a victim and I can blame the wrongdoing easily and correctly on someone else—no questions. I started justifying feeling this extreme hate and anger. And with my divorce, I didn’t realize it had taken over until over a year after. I’m in a happy relationship, I’m in a great place in my life. I have so much to be thankful for and truly living an amazing life right now. Why am I upset? Because I let this take hold of me when I was in the middle of it, when I was in the throes of it, and I held onto it. I said ok this is truth. This is justified. I have a reason to be angry. I have a reason to be mad. This was their fault. so I started feeling the dark side.

And I just recently watched X Men First Class, which is my favorite of the XMen films for a couple reasons-I love the focus on Professor X’s back story and I also like James McCavoy who plays Professor X. and so in that story, you see Magneto. You see his back story. He’s in a concentration camp in WW2. His mom was killed in front of him because of his powers and you see his reason for becoming what he did become. And you see this interesting relationship between him and Professor X because you see this battle between good and evil and you see the same things in the world with the mutants and the way they are treated. The same things affect them both in different ways. The way the mutants are treated inspired the darkness in magneto. And that’s based on what? Based on his experiences, based on what was done to him that was wrong, based on his victim experiences. Professor X didn’t have those—the same going on in the culture about the mutants affect him a different way. He wants to save them, he wants the world to accept them and Magneto wants to turn mutants against the world. SO you have to understand the reason for that and it’s because of what was done to Magneto and what he went through. There’s a line in that film when Professor X is talking to Magneto when they are younger and he says, ‘You realize you’re so much more than that, don’t you? You’re so much more than all that pain and anger.’

So I just wanted to caution you. I’ve been thinking about this recently and now that I’m out of the aftermath of my own divorce, I can see what I did during the time—and I thought I was innocent and didn’t realize I was doing it—I see that I was justifying the dark side. I was justifying the anger. I see that that happened while I was in the middle of it, thinking that it was righteous anger. Be very careful about righteous anger and playing your victim card one too many times. One day you’ll believe it and you’ll end up tricking yourself into holding pockets of hate that you didn’t even know that you had, which is what I’ve been dealing with recently. And I’ve been cautioning a few friends going through rough times saying let it go…don’t hold onto it. Don’t be angry at this person that’s hurting you and I know you’re not going to listen to me at first. But do what you can to separate yourself from that anger and don’t let it become part of you and eventually let it go.

You feel this immense power and drive that’s given you. Anger is a way to survive—it was for me. It was a way to keep me in school, keep me working, it’s a way to handle life and not just collapse on the floor paralyzed and limp and crying. So use it and use it carefully is what I’m saying. I caution you against the power of the dark side so you don’t become Anakin Skywalker and you don’t become Magneto in my little world of fictional characters that I actually think are real.

So those are my thoughts of the day and I wanted to reach out to those of you who are going through rough times. Or maybe you’re past a rough time and you don’t know you are still holding onto it. That was me. I was past this stuff and I was like why am I not fully happy? Why am I not fully living? And I realized just recently within the last month that I’m holding onto stuff and I really thought it through and went through the rough days, and the fog when I thought I was crazy. And I came out of it going, ok, this is the root of it. I played my victim card one too many times. I played the game so well that I tricked myself into thinking it wasn’t a problem and it was. And when I see what started it—always go back to the root. Question yourself, question, pray about it—get to the root of why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling. For me it was because I took that pain and anger and I felt powerful and I felt stronger and I kept it and held onto it because I justified it by being I the victim.

You know what? Let it go. You can admit that something was done wrong to you,d eal with it and then get over it. Is tayed the victim. So did magneto. So did Anakin. Charles is the most powerful character in that story because of his perspective and the way he thinks. Random thoughts for the day. I wanted to get them down before I forgot them. It’s so hard knowing you’re doing it when you’re in the middle of it. It’s so hard. So as I come out of it, I see red flags in friends of mine and I’ve been thinking…hey, wait a second. Be careful. You need to stop overthinking things. Stop analyzing. Get to a point to where you can let it go. Let those people go. Let the situation go. Let it go. Keep checking yourelf after as your’e going through the aftermath—whatever the issue is whether it’s a parent dying or somebody being mean to you, or marriage problems—maybe you’re not even divorced, maybe it’s problems in your existing marriage. Check  yourself to make sure that it’s not there and that you’re not holding onto that. I know with me, my alter ego, my subconscious, my flesh is so good at doing what I’ve taught it to do that it tricks my spirit, the innocent part of me that doesn’t want to be like that. And then I get stuck and I don’t know why and I get all this garbage off the top and I’m like oh my  gosh—this is why. I did this to myself. So watch that.

Writer Without a Story

So the title of this blog may seem a little odd as many of you know I've had various stories to work on over the past few years. Well, recently, I've been stuck in a bit of a rut. AGAIN. (tell me about it).

I've been working on 'my story' for almost a year now, however, that project has proved challenging in recent months as I'm moving into a different stage of healing. It became harder and harder to regurgitate the things that happened during those dark months, and the months of battle years prior to that, as I'm moving past that stage. Perhaps it would have been valuable to chronicle every second of that time as I was going through it--yes, and more economical as well. But that wasn't the case. I am still plugging away on it, but it's in pieces now as I've moved to discussing happier times, times of growth and movement rather than stale (valuable) yet stale states of pain and paralysis. It was stressing me out, dragging me down--pick your cliche description and slap it on. So it was added to the 'these-books-are-written-in-pieces-out-of-chronological-order-slash-will-one-day-be-epic-once-finished-slash-need-more-time-and-energy-to-complete' shelf. Honestly, from a practical perspective, I've been thinking that might be something I write AFTER I'm an established writer as a memoir type thing--not the best material to start throwing at agents and publishers.

Then I pulled out my last completed novel (finished when I was 15), which was a shaky story, but had great characters. I started doing a complete overhaul on that story last summer--deleted a lot of it and need to finish doing some mass deletions and a few rewrites and it could be ready to submit to an agent. However, it's definitely YA and that isn't great. It's doable, but not great. So I need to finish those edits and then I can move ahead. But, quite frankly, I hate editing. I like creating so I didn't really feel I was using it as my creative outlet when that was all I focused on.

Then there's my decade old Africa novel that is still a work in progress. That one is written in order thus far, but lots of pieces missing. I still think it should be a screenplay sometimes and have gone back and forth about it. And, sure, I get it. You're thinking, 'Just write it.'Yeah. Easier said than done. That's also a super old story to me now and that is this out of control, epic historical fiction drama. For every few lines written, there is loads of research that has to be done. It's a painstaking process. So call me lazy, but that's been exhausting.


So it was either wanting to kill myself from boredom and all things structure from the editing process or having to do mega research in order to write a few lines, or throw myself into depression to work on my other story, which is a jumbled mess since I have a version that's first person and a version that's third person and can't figure out which voice is best for the whole thing. Plus there's the dark beginning, a happy end, and no middle--that's the (inspirational) dark part that I'm shying away from.

So for the last few months, I've said the following statement a few times into the air as a whisper, a quiet tantrum minus the foot stomping and screaming types I was so known for as a three year old. It was an exhausted, sad whimper sent to God, to people everywhere, the world, anyone.

"I'm a writer without a story and I feel so lost."

And so, I dejectedly decided to wait. (Let's be honest, what else could I do, but that's classic control freakish behavior, right?) I thought to myself that a story would fly by one of these days and I would catch it and maybe start creating again. Let's be clear--I haven't CREATED a new story in years. I have been wishing for a story that is simple, easy to write, something that doesn't require tons of research (maybe a bit to get started, but not constantly like my Africa story). Something easy to tell, easy to write, easy to use as an outlet when I need to "get away" for a bit.

I've toyed with the idea of making the "happy" part of my own story into a love story. (I've never written a love story and the thought is daunting). Lowering myself to the level of a women's fiction love story is a bit hard to spit out of my mouth, but it sounds relaxing, fun, cute, sweet, and easy(ier) than what I've been working. After all, I have one hell of a love story (two, actually, if I'm honest with myself on a good day). So turning that into some sweet third person story during which I can use the highlights of my own as the outline and fill in some fun details here and there sounds nice. But I can't figure out a cool setting in which to set it. I need to build the fictional structure and I'm waiting for that idea.

So I've been happily waiting for that story to hit me in the head one day, fully anticipating that it would be this one that I work on next.

Well, as luck would have it, something else hit me in the head today. And for the first time in over ten years, I felt "the feeling." I haven't gone through the complete novel process--idea, writing, edition--since before I started college. All of my completed books were written in my younger years, and while some of them are awesome, are geared toward a much younger audience. I haven't 'created' anything in several years.

When I used to get my initial ideas and lay out story lines, my body would kind of go into shock. I would get suddenly exhausted. With my Africa story idea, some interesting things have happened during that writing process. Some of them you actually wouldn't believe or would think crazy if I explained, so I'm not going to do that here. Let's just say some strange things have happened over the years that kept me from finishing it when I originally got the idea in my teens. When I initially got the idea, I became extremely exhausted and almost depressed for a couple of days. I don't know why. I chalk it up to the 'emotional artist' side of me that rarely comes out. It's illogical and definitely inconvenient--definitely 'un-Katie.' But I moved past it and outlined and wrote the first few chapters of that book (and haven't gotten much farther in years since for a number of reasons).

Well, that happened today. I got an idea. I got all shaky and the butterflies were definitely there. Then I was exhausted--deeply so--and somber the rest of the day. I'd forgotten the feeling actually and began remembering how my  parents would try to get me out of that when I was younger. They were so sweet.

It's not the easy, happy, surreal version of my own love story that I've been waiting for. But it's not an old story with lots of edits or quite at the Africa story level of research either. It's something I can do some basic research for and then sort of 'just go with it' from there.

Also, it's serial. Weird for me and brand new.

It's free enough to let me create future characters to my heart's content and move the story line lots of different ways in lots of different places. It's something I know and also something I need to know more about. It's relevant. It's current. (Sort of like my Africa story, but even more so).

It's something that I can believe in (unlike women's fiction love stories, thank you very much). It's real. It's sort of nitty-gritty as far as content and it's something I would feel good writing about.

It's sellable. (I think).

And more than that, it fits the message--my message to the world that has been sort of starting to form lately.

You see, lately, I've really been wondering if my story has been silent because I don't know what I want to say to the world. I've had things bubbling up all these years and I don't exactly know what even I'm trying to say. What has every story of mine said? What message do I think I was uniquely created to say? I don't know! I hadn't known but since I've been pouting about being storyless, I've been pondering these questions.

The exact, succinct words are yet to show up. I don't have my mission statement yet. But I am getting a raw idea of my underlying message. It's largely derived from thoughts about my own experiences in the last couple of years and oddly ties in with the messages (previously unknown to me) in the last three novels I was working on (Africa, massive-edits, and my own story). So as I've come through my late adolescent and early adult years, those messages have been underneath everything without my knowing it. So how do I verbalize it?  That's what I've been wondering.

After I got the idea and as I laid on the couch in this sort of foggy, dark exhaustion, I realized that the plot directly communicates my words, my message. Those were my last thoughts before falling asleep and waking much more clear, alert and energetic. I woke up and thought...ok.

So this is a note to let those of you who care know what's up with my writing. It's also a way to be accountable to myself. Honestly, I'd started to think I was one of those people who couldn't ever finish anything after looking at my own explanations for not writing all these stories. As a linear thinking, control freakish, impatient perfectionist, I like to finish things quickly, efficiently, according to plan, and very well. So having unfinished novels bugs the heck out of me.

The mature, wise Yoda-ish version of me lately has been giving myself to finish these stories when the words for each flow easily. That will happen in its own time for each story. I can't control that. It isn't laziness or lack of organization--it's timing. Each story will get fully written at the right time, I have to trust that--not force it or I and the stories will suffer.

Those of you who know me know that I pendulum swing between these two types of thinking on a minute by minute basis. :) But, now, hopefully I can move in this new direction that I can research and sort of attack. It's good to work on new stuff, new ideas, new everything. I've been stuck on the same stories for so long, even getting this idea and watching myself go through the same processes I did when I was younger, before I knew what was going on, the impact writing would have on my life, before it was a process, when it was just a hobby, when the experiences were honest, raw, real because I wasn't old enough or aware enough for them to be anything else.

So a toast tonight to the "new," and to "the right time" for everything. And three cheers to me and my new story and let's see what happens.

Smallville of All Things

Let me start by saying I'm writing this blog for me. In fact, many of you (who am I kidding? It's not like I have that many readers....) THOSE OF YOU who read this may not even get why I chose to even post a blog about what I'm about to say.

So I'm writing this for me. In fact, after a rousing conversation via text with my Dearest Cousin who is also one of my twin souls on this earth about writing a story for me--not because I want to become a writer, and not because I'm thinking about the possibility of it getting published one day-- but just for me, I decided to try my hand first at a blog post. Let's keep it on a small scale for now. If you're going to begin grand changes of thinking, it's best to take baby steps, I've learned.  So that's what this is. And in doing so, the verbage, the cadence, the structure may not even be perfect but I don't care. I'm writing this so I remember this moment. I'm risking the fact that no one else may actually get the significance of this.

Ok. So wanna talk immaturity? Let's talk about my obsession with the TV show Smallville, which aired on the CW for I don't even know--ten seasons I think? I used to watch it when I was a teenager. Let me paint a picture for you. Or wait, since I'm writing this for me, let me repaint the picture for myself so the memory is clearer, more poignant. It was a happy, happy time. I was dedicated to this show when I was hmm...let's see 15-18 I think? I had the best room in the house, was still living at home. I associate my first semesters of undergrad (I started early at community college) and my competitive tennis days with my memories of living in that room. It was my safe haven and I brought few people into it. I remember the carefree times of being there, and the family members who drove me crazy but who I loved being around and now miss so much that it aches sometimes. It was a big room--no special dimensions. Completely open from one end to the other, with a cozy slant in the ceiling on one side. I had a lovely closet that usually had lots of lovely fabric peeking out of it--complete girlish disarray on the inside but hey--no sloppy clothes on the floor outside. I had a huge window that overlooked the street, a huge desk, my daybed, and my computer that was the only portal I had to my best friend at the time. That's where I did my homework and the bulk of my writing (which stopped since I started college, oddly. I haven't finished a novel since the year before I started school).

And at night, I would watch my shows (to this day I call them my "happy shows" because of the memories they bring when I think of them). They were LOST and Smallville. I used to watch episodes at night.  My room was usually nice and warm in the summer since it was upstairs and I spent a lot of time trying to cool it down with my buzzing ceiling fan and the evening summer breezes. On commercial breaks during both of these shows, I would run into my parents' bedroom at the end of the hall and update them on what was going on in my beloved TV shows. My mom would always ask me a ton of questions, and they were always warranted since she to this day has no idea what either show is about. My dad, however, usually tried to keep running tabs perhaps only for the sake of offering intelligent conversation back to me when I was updating them at hyper-fast speeds. So he would always ask if I ever found out why the polar bear was on the island, and how the heck Clark Kent's high school friends still didn't know he was Superman.

I would sit on their bed on commercial breaks, jabbering as fast as I could to tell them what was going on as they both wondered how on earth I could get so caught up in stories even into my adolescence. (This was normal in my childhood. Was I never to grow out of it?)  But this is when I would tell them all that was going on in my life, when I sat on the end of their bed on commercial breaks. This is when I would tell them what I was up to and who I was talking to and what my friends were up to.

I'm not doing a very good job at describing this in the ethereal sense that I see it in my head, but that doesn't matter since I'm writing this for me, right?

These days were filled with such happy, lighthearted times. This was pre-boys, more importantly pre-Hardy saga (and for those of you who don't know what I mean, that's ok). This was pre-Pullman and everything that happened there and pre-Portland. I think of these times and I think of sweet conversations with my amazing parents while sitting on the edge of the quilt on my parents' bed. The scent I remember was peaceful. The summer breezes were peaceful, whether they blew in through the giant window as I did homework and talked to my then best friend online or while I was watching Smallville or LOST.

So back to the point (if there is a point) of this blog. I was introduced to a song while watching an episode of Smallville that I became drawn to. Even now, it's one of my favorite songs in the world and I listen to it often. It's called 'Wherever You Will Go' by The Calling.  Totally an old song. Totally cheesy, given the context. It was on the soundtrack for the show in either season 2 or season 3, I want to say?  It was a beautiful song that fit the plot perfectly, played at the end of an episode when you knew Clark could never tell his high school love, Lana, who he really was.  (If you don't know what that is, Google it). Then I chose to include that song on the soundtrack to one of my novels--a place where I thought it was a better fit. It was about a character who eventually died and his hope to protect the girl he loved. So the lyrics made sense there. And that song has stayed with me over the years. (It didn't just get lost in the 90's. haha).

I happened to be texting Ryan tonight, talking about how many years ago I first fell in love with him. (For those of you who don't know the story, he was the friend I would instant message while I was doing homework all those years ago). He was the first boy I ever "fell in love with." I use quotation marks for a reason. That's a whole different story for a different blog but yes. When I think of our talks, I think of discussing LOST or Smallville, which we did often.

I started watching episodes of a newer show this evening after the Super Bowl. It's another cheesy, silly CW show called 'Beauty and the Beast.' The primary reason I was interested was because it stars the female lead of my beloved Smallville, Kristin Kreuk. As shallow and silly as it sounds, her new show has been on for awhile now and I have been eager to explore it.

So I'm watching the episode, texting like three people and all of a sudden, Kristin Kreuk (the former Lana Lang and high school sweetheart of Tom Welling's Clark Kent), starts dancing with some guy. I'm not even paying attention at this point and I hear the familiar strains of a different version (sung by a female) to my old song, 'Wherever You Will Go.'

And for some reason, I was moved to tears. The hurried, disjointed cadence of this blog don't even do the moment justice. Multiple factors were part of those tears. Here I am texting someone about these sweet olden days filled with warm summer breezes, lots of loud laughter, the warmth of my family, and the simplicity of young life, and suddenly a shocking tie between those days and now appears, somehow linking us together--the old Katie and me now. Or perhaps somehow hinting that the good old days, the happily ever after, the innocence and laughter is here still.

Sure, it's Kristin Kreuk--but she's dancing with someone else. And this version of the song is sung by someone else--a female vocalist. It's a different TV show for Pete's sake! But some things...the melody...the words....


...some things remain the same, and get better with time. (The new version of the song has less of a 90's feel which is a good thing, right? Change can be good).

It was a weird, yet extremely moving moment.

New beauty is springing up all around me and hints of old beauty still surprise me from time to time. I want to remember this.

Three Cheers to the New Year

"There was a time when men were kind

When their voices were soft

And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind

And the world was a song

And the song was exciting

There was a time

Then it all went wrong.

I dreamed a dream in days gone by

When hope was high

And life worth living

I dreamed that love would never die

I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid

And dreams were made and used and wasted

There was no ransom to be paid

No song unsung

No wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night

With their voices soft as thunder

As they tear your hope apart

And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side

And filled my days with endless wonder

He took my childhood in his stride

But he was gone when autumn came. 

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather.

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed 

The dream I dreamed. "

So we're heading into a new year. On top of that, my birthday is next Thursday. On top of that, it isn't just any old birthday--it's 25. It's one score and five. It's a quarter century. It's much like eighteen was for me--not one of the 'special' birthdays, but a big one nonetheless. And something tells me I'm going to be surprised. So to give a little background, I decided several years ago, there were certain birthdays I had to look forward to--on the basis of a gut feeling of some magic happening. First was 15--because I was as old as Louisa in The Sound of Music. (I jumped up from Brigitta, you see). Then sixteen--but not because I could drive, but because I could move up to Liesel from the same film. Then seventeen--only because I liked the number and because I was convinced something magical would happen that year and I was right. This is what my BFF calls my 'blooming year.' Something changed on the inside that year. I opened my heart that year. (I once went without crying for over 3 years--this was in my mid-teens). I had sort of turned myself off, if that makes sense. Well, seventeen became the year that I changed that. Amazing things happened that year, just as I had predicted. The next big year on my calendar was not 18, not 21, but 23. (18 and 21 were big just because they were--just like 25 will be...but they weren't special years on my bday calendar). 

23 marked the year of my divorce and the year of my biggest dream as yet coming true--study abroad. It was the best and worst year of my life, as I predicted on New Year's Eve that year--before my study abroad was set in stone and before I was aware that my marriage had come to an end. This is one reason why I'm obsessed with the 'feeling' I get about the year to come on New Year's Day or Eve. I've ALWAYS accurately predicted the general tone of my year by then. In 2011, even though I did not know my marriage would end that year, I predicted it would be a year of extreme pain and growth. At the time, I anticipated that pain and growth occurring with working through issues in my marriage. I had no idea what would happen, but I completely called it. I also knew I would experience extreme elation, because even though the details about study abroad were not complete yet and the deposit wasn't made till mid January, I knew it would happen and that I would change from it--little did I know how much I would change. I said aloud to several people on NYE 2011 that that year would be the BEST and WORST year of my life. 

I was right. 

So, I've posted numerous statuses on Facebook over the last couple of months saying something like, '2013, I still can't get a read on you.' I've honestly had no intel or recon on the coming year until recent weeks. Instead of forcing or imagining a theme, I thought I would patiently wait,  hating the fact that I had no clue so close the start. 

Well, in recent weeks, I've begun to get an inkling that this could be MY year. I predict it will be a year of surprises, a year of fireworks (think Katy Perry), a year of knowledge and wisdom, a year of fine tuning, of celebration. 

Those are my predictions so far and I'm putting them in writing ahead of time so I can come back to this and laugh and say, 'See, I told you so!'

Right now I have NO TRAVEL PLANS for the year--not for holidays, vacations, etc. I have a few options open but not sure what will happen. Yet, I'm CERTAIN I will be traveling this year again and hopefully internationally. I didn't go international in 2012 and I'm getting the bug again. I have a few milestones I will be celebrating this year so perhaps I'll choose a trip to celebrate all of those. We will see. 

2013 is an open slate. It's the first year like that for a long time. I have a couple of amazing things happening in January that have given me a clue that the year will be a year of unexpected surprises. But I honestly feel that it's a blank canvas and that I will paint some magic with my wand this year. 

Not only is it a new year, but it's a BIG new year for me with 25. Some of you old seasoned folk will say, 'Oh, it's just another year.' Well, you know what? Nope. It isn't. This will be a special year, mark my words. We will reconvene December of '13 and I will show you what happened that was amazing. 

My last couple of birthdays have been sort of tossed in with the mayhem of everything else the year brought. In 2011, I knew I was in for some rough waters and my birthday party was tense and I was stressed out. My birthday in 2012 (in VA which was a blast), I remember being exhausted, which fit the theme of the 'rebuilding  year.' It was a whirlwind. This is the first time in a few years that I'm looking forward to the day and the magic I know it will bring. :)

Part of that has to do with what I've come to realize this year. For so long, I have been ashamed of my past--my divorce. I equated that with pain, mistakes, stupidity, and over analyzed (to the point at which minutes spent doing this added up to hours, the hours to days and the days to weeks) what I had done wrong somehow, somewhere along the line. I have a guilt complex. I always have. There is a fine line between a guilt complex and the classic victim mentality, and I'm not saying I haven't breached that line at times. 

This is where Les  Mis comes in. I will be seeing it in a very Les Mis themed bday party next weekend, but have obviously seen previews and now own the soundtrack. I found myself drawn in by the song of that film--I Dreamed a Dream--obviously. I found myself connecting with Fantine, Anne Hathaway's character. If you're not familiar with the plot, look it up. I found this odd because I'm so about happy endings, etc. So I started wondering why I was feeling such a connection to the lyrics. Some of the lyrics fit perfectly. 

He slept a summer by my side

(Actually it was 2 summers but who's counting?)

And filled my days with endless wonder

(Yes, indeed...so many beautiful warm, summer days)

He took my childhood in his stride

But he was gone when autumn came.

(Yes, indeed). 

But, no, I don't dream of days together or wish he were here. Ha. 

However, some of the lyrics don't fit at all. I'm not dreaming of us being together. Life didn't kill the dream I dreamed. I moved on. I rose above. I didn't let that and all that came with it kill me. (Granted, much worse things have happened to a lot of people, but for me, this was a huge blow that killed a big part of me. I've been focused on resurrecting that part for a long time now and am just now succeeding). I talk a lot about the way that sweet innocence is targeted by darkness. Some may say this is the real world. I would agree! But I say that remaining vulnerable beyond what life may bring is perhaps the checkmate move, the winning pair.

But, LIFE HAS NOT KILLED THE DREAM I DREAMED.

I've found a connection with a character for once because I'm thankful my story didn't end like hers did, like so many have. I CAN SING THE LYRICS ABOVE AND SMILE BECAUSE I KNOW I AM STILL DREAMING. 

The lessons I've learned from my recent experiences are invaluable to me. I have learned to be keenly aware of beauty and grace and pain--traits that have served me well in reading people and speaking to them. I can tell if people are hurting. I didn't have that talent years ago! I have an appreciation and gratefulness for life and my loved ones in it that I cannot explain. I didn't have that years ago either! 

I've never felt more confident or more beautiful. 

(And I'm not at my goal weight or in my ultimate dream job or anything yet). 

It's funny because even my New Year's resolutions reflect these changes. All of my goals are not destination focused, but journey focused, which is so odd for me to say. I'm not even quite sure how I got here. But I love it, and I love seeing the value I have in my life now. 

There's much more I could ramble on about, but I think that's it for now. Thanks for reading. And three cheers to the new year!

I know it's going to hold lots of fireworks. 

And here's the link to the song I've been listening to on repeat for hours in case you haven't heard it: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6YwuqWFTbc