6/14/2011
I take the proverbial pen (or keyboard rather) in hand to share some musings, some grateful thoughts, and some soapbox worthy rantings with you for a moment. Keeping this gracious preface in mind (I added it so as to warn some of you away if this isn't your cup of tea. you're welcome) I invite you to read along and share these ramblings with me, or leave this page if there's even the slightest hint of potential irritation at the thought of yet another Kate ranting. If you do read along and offer a negative complaint, I'm in the type of mood in which I will answer harshly with a few colorful adjectives rather than try to respond as diplomatically as usual, so do beware, Dear Reader. (And, yes, I'm in a sassy mood today. You're brilliant to notice).
I take the proverbial pen (or keyboard rather) in hand to share some musings, some grateful thoughts, and some soapbox worthy rantings with you for a moment. Keeping this gracious preface in mind (I added it so as to warn some of you away if this isn't your cup of tea. you're welcome) I invite you to read along and share these ramblings with me, or leave this page if there's even the slightest hint of potential irritation at the thought of yet another Kate ranting. If you do read along and offer a negative complaint, I'm in the type of mood in which I will answer harshly with a few colorful adjectives rather than try to respond as diplomatically as usual, so do beware, Dear Reader. (And, yes, I'm in a sassy mood today. You're brilliant to notice).
First of all, I shall start by defining the inspiration for this brief commentary. I was sent lyrics and a music video today by an old friend--one that I would not say I am particularly close to currently(though I predict we shall grow closer in the near future and certainly hope we do) as I've not seen her or spent one-on-one time with her in several years. But we are dear FB friends and have been so for a while, and oddly share many of the same musical tastes (by "tastes" read: interpretations). She sent them in a message prefaced with a hope that she was not intruding or overstepping boundaries, but insisted she had to send me the song because she thinks of me each time she hears it. Of course, I was encouraged by the note and would have been regardless of what the song would have turned out to be (and I absolutely LOVED the song and will share it with you shortly), but what struck me was the attitude with which she sent it and the FACT that she did send it.
In the past few months, I've had a crash course on watching how other people handle MY OWN grief process. If I hadn't been the one so entrenched in going through that process (which would defeat the purpose, I know), it would have made a fascinating research study. One of my undergraduate classmates did her research project and one of her speeches about the grief process of losing her son. While the grief process I experienced was much different, I find myself thinking I could design a similar study.
Allow me (hahaha...who am I kidding? I'm Kate. I don't ask for permission:) to describe some of the attitudes and responses I've received before I end this mini-dissertation, get to my main point (which was not inserted inverted-pyramid style by any means here) and share the lovely song with you that my dear friend so sweetly shared with me.
First, there was the "what the heck?" response. People who didn't ask for details, didn't ask questions, merely responded to my status change on FB with questions marks. This seems to be a rather neutral stance and I have a neutral attitude toward it. They neither pried nor avoided me, merely acknowledged. Again, I'm not criticizing styles here (yet..and there is only ONE I shall criticize and I shall do so harshly), I'm merely noting my observations.
Second, there was the "disbelief" responses, which I can completely understand. I went through shock myself when this all happened and the dear friends who spent that weekend with me and can vouch that I was in a daze. This response seemed to imply that I was somehow joking about the status change, that surely I couldn't be serious. I didn't mind this response either, but thought to myself...'people have to know that life is never perfect....don't they?' These responses seemed to be based not only on my welfare, but also on the fears of the people who expressed them. It was as if I, KATE, had experienced their worst fear and since they didn't know how they could handle that happening to them, they couldn't imagine me handling it either. These responses were met with kind reassurances from me that I will get through the process one awful day at a time because I am a strong person, beneath all the pain and anger and fear.
Third, there was the "how did this happen/what are you doing to fix it/explain this all to me so it can make sense in my head" response. This didn't bother me either and I in fact laughed at it the several times it did rear its head in my face. This didn't surprise me and MOST of these responses were uttered out of concern for me, but also as a way to feed their mad need for details, their curiosity. "How does something like this happen? I've never experienced it so it doesn't make sense to me!" Well, I've got news for ya....Again, as with the second response, while these responses were said out of concern for me, they also seemed to be based somewhat on the emotions that the concerned individual was feeling personally. This makes sense to me, but was all very interesting and fascinating to watch.
Fourth, there was one response that I think had two categories. This was either the, "Hey, I saw your status change and I just wanted to make sure you are ok. Don't need any details, please just let me know you're all right. "and the, "Hey, I saw your status change and I'm really worried. Sending love and prayers, and if you need to vent or cry or talk, I would love to be here for you. I would also like to know what happened if you're ok with telling me. If not, that's ok, too." I didn't mind these responses either as I'm a fan of honest, direct communication. If people had questions, I was fine with that. Whether or not I answered them, I was quite sure was of my own decision. And I did not answer most of the concerns for me until after I was in Thailand because I did not want to respond in anger or deep pain. I've acted in many angry moments this semester that I am not proud of and did not want to spread more hateful vomit into the world. So while some thought these responses seemed pushy, I simply replied that they came from friends who cared. And that pushy or not--I would answer when I was damn good and ready and that those friends knew that.
Again, I will say that I received many of these types of responses from many people. So the descriptions above are not targeted or directed toward one particular person by any means. And I was appreciative of all of the responses and will explain why in a moment. Each response had its advantage. The ones asking for no details were calming during times when I was upset. The ones asking what happened were perfect for when I needed to write things out and talk through them. Each response was valued and meant so much to me. Many of the responses tacked on an additional piece of sweet encouragement--statements offering love and strength and statements saying there was lots of confidence about me getting through all this. I didn't believe these statements myself at times and that was humbling to me. I remember reading these speechlessly at times.
The last response wasn't really a response to my grief process. It was mainly a response to other people's responses to my grief process (I'm thinking specifically about some of my Pullman family here who came to my defense when I initially posted the status change on FB and were some of the first to state I would be ok and that I was a strong, confident, capable woman. To those Pullman family members, I say thank you and you know who you are).
And coming to my main point...each response was exactly that--a RESPONSE--a way of reaching out a virtual hand to me (each in their individual colors and sizes) to show me I was loved and that so many of my FB friends cared. Some were more pushy than others and some were more nonchalant, but you all cared.
Now, here is where I become critical. There were people who were close to me at one point in time, a few who I would go in and out of contact with, but who I would have said I was close to. These were people I confided in and was real with. People who I would have expected to be the first to call, the first to say, "Look, no idea what's going on or what the story is on either side of this, but are you ok? All politics, details aside, are you ok?" It was so funny to me when a friend in Moscow, again, someone who I have been in contact with off and on for years, insisted I meet him for lunch and wanted to make sure I would be able to take care of myself financially. I had two other friends in Spokane who immediately reacted with, "Hey, you're going to be ok, right? You don't need a place to stay for the summer?" These particularl three (and I hope you know who you are) went right to practical financial issues and wanted to make sure I was ok. I have another friend who would text/call a few times per week, if not daily, asking if I was eating/sleeping (I wasn't for a while). I had another dear friend in Virginia who I reconnected with after several years who would text or call asking if I needed to rant/vent/cry every few days. She didn't care if I was right or wrong, angry and seething, or in a crumpled pile of tears. She would just text and say she would listen. And one day it hit me that these friends were all friends who I had reconnected with (minus the two in Spokane). The people that I would have assumed would take care of me like this--hadn't made a move or uttered a sound. Scratch that. Haven't. Present tense.
And a few of these people to this day have not contacted me.
That is simply "not cool." That is not "friend" behavior. That shows extreme lack of care. And there is no justification (not morally/religiously, not politically...waiting to determine who was right or wrong before taking sides or expressing care, concern or love). There is no justification. No matter whose side you're on or what you think, there is no justification for not showing care and love for someone who is in pain--I don't care who they are.
So when I received his encouraging song today from someone who has been very supportive and has had no idea what has gone on, but never asked questions, all these thoughts began running together in my head and I thought I would express them. What's funny is the song is perfect for me right now and she didn't even know that because she never asked questions. She simply supported.
All this~just to express my random thoughts about this process, my appreciation of the video sent to me today, the love and care from all of my loved ones in all the individual ways that love was and continues to be expressed. Also to provide my censure and the proverbial 'tsk tsk' to the "friends" have have gravely disappointed and hurt me.
Those friendships, I fear, will not be the same anytime soon.
This is all just a commentary on how other people have responded to my own grief process--some based on their own fears, some based on their own past experiences, some based on complete care and concern--and some who have not responded at all.
Musings, I say.
I also wanted to share the music with you as I think it will encourage many of you. It's a perfect song for me right now. Thank you, Ginger. :)
And thank you to all the friends (you know who you are) who have helped me "stand" in the middle of an adventure and on the brink of new ones today.
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