Lost and Flying in Paradise

I thought my title was rather clever, first of all.

*suggests golf clap

Moving on. Let's look at some of these lyrics and see why I can't seem to get away from them. Any of you have songs that represent parts of your life because you were stuck listening to them during some experience? Maybe you couldn't form rational thoughts or even sentences that weren't fragmented in some way but when you heard that song, those lyrics, up against that melody--somehow the world made sense for a few short minutes? The words that singer was singing somehow encompassed your whole being, all your problems or triumphs, the very thing you couldn't yourself express? Ever happened to you? Ever sit and think about how wondrous experiences like that are?

Ok, so let's start with The Head and the Heart's 'Lost in my Mind.'


Here are some pieces of the lyrics.

'Put your dreams away for now
I won't see you for some time
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind.


Momma once told me
You're already home where you feel loved
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind.


How's that brick layin' comin'?
How's your engine runnin'?
Are your hands gettin' filled?
Won't you tell me, my brother?


'Cause there are stars up above


We can start
Moving forward.


I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind.'


Perhaps some of you have felt this as I have. There have been times during the last year when I literally thought my brain/mind was going to swallow itself because I was thinking so hard on so many different little paths and trails that had to do with why things were happening, why they  happened the way they did when they did, how I was supposed to pick myself up from that, how I would adjust to this drastic change in my life. So when I first heard this song on the radio and the line said, 'I get lost in my mind,' I thought...huh.

I've come to realize that isn't a bad thing--not at all. It's part of the process I suppose, but I have had to learn to curb that. I've literally thrown up before from over analyzing every single piece of humanity and my experience and pain and at some point, you have to just stop and that's where my loved ones came in. I hope that if you're going through challenges right now that you have some loved ones to go through it with you.

Then, as the song continues and reaches its chorus, the beat changes and become steady. There's a continuity in the flow. It's hopeful. He's asking questions and not making statements. Questions imply possibility to me. Direct statements just are. Make sense? I don't know if it does. Oh well. The questions about brick layin' and
engines runnin' involve moving on. To me, that encompasses what I have had to do to keep going. It's a great song to run to because it's just got this continuity to it. It makes you feel like you have to keep going at an even pace and that's what it takes, right?

And the line about stars up above? That involves hope, to me anyway.

Losing my mind reminds me of the insanity in this process and the line about stars reminds me of hope. Those two words have been keys to this process for me--acceptance of them both.

I think it's brilliant and awesome. Go listen to it.

Let's take Nicki Minaj and Rihanna's 'Fly.'

Again, some pieces of the lyrics.

'I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To flyyyyyyyyy, to flyyyyyyyy.


I wish today it would rain all day
Maybe that will kinda make the pain go away
Trying to forgive you for abandoning me
Praying but I think I'm still an angel away.


Me, me, me against them
Me against enemies, me against friends
Somehow they both seem to become one
A sea full of sharks and they all smell blood.


They start coming and I start rising.


Everybody wanna try to box me in
Suffocating every time it locks me in
Paint their own pictures and then crop me  in
But I will remain where the top begins. 


Cuz I am not a word
I am not a line
I am not a girl that can ever be defined
I am not fly. I am levitation. 
I represent an entire generation


I heart their criticism loud and clear
That is how I know that the time is near
We become alive in a time of fear...'


This song screams hope. It overcomes challenges. So the first verse is pivotal for me. I did not want my divorce. It was a loss to me and there have been many prayers prayed to battle the hate. So I get the first verse. I've almost said it before verbatim--trying to figure out how to forgive the abandonment and also admitting that in my own weakness, I am an "angel away"...

The second verse about being against enemies and friends REALLY hit home and you will read more rants on that later as I begin to tell the story of what happened. In a nutshell for those of you who have no idea who I am, I've faced some very legalistic (read: idiotic, stupid, uneducated, prideful, fearful) judgments because of my current status from old acquaintances and 'friends' if you will. I've said before that I could write a book about how OTHER people handle YOUR OWN grief. It's fascinating to me and sickening at the same time and I was reminded of this tonight when I heard of the plight of another friend of mine who has experienced deep pain recently and has not received the love and compassion from her group of 'Christian' friends as well...it's as if if you are going through deep pain or something people cannot understand, you're like the plague. For me, it really felt like the scarlet letter, even though nobody had any idea what happened because, to go along with my ex's wishes, I did not discuss details of the divorce until it was final. So bam. People saw the FB status and rumors started to fly. So even when I was around people who didn't know what happened, these old 'friends' who I'd grown up with seemed to treat me like a hot potato. Now, another friend is experiencing something similar (as I know people the world over have) and my heart bleeds for her.

Anyway, me against 'enemies and friends' also encompasses the way I felt for a large part of the year...and the 'looking for blood' part? Well, there's always someone out looking for new gossip and trying to determine whose fault the divorce was. I literally had an acquaintance, someone I'd never said more than hello to on a Sunday morning, ask another close friend of mine the following series of questions: "Whose fault was the divorce? Did he have an affair? Did she have an affair? It doesn't make sense for one of them to just leave. What happened?"

Yep. Actual conversation that happened. I have cool friends who told them what to do with those questions. So  yeah, the whole 'looking for blood' concept I get.

I also had some very close friends, friends I even referred to as family, who didn't talk to me all year. They didn't call to see if I was ok. Didn't call to see if I needed anything. Didn't call to comfort. I'm not a needy person but there are certain people who you expect to buck up and help you deal with crap that happens in your life, your know? And they dropped the ball in a big way and this has been a huge part of the experience this year, too.

Then the part about not being able to be defined or boxed in. I grew up in my large, awesome family and with friends in church and I was different than most of them. I had different goals and dreams and different perspectives about things. This isn't a bad thing, but I was always accepted as different in my social environment and I will go into more details on that later. We are all different in some way, I think and have all experienced this. This is simply how I experienced this in my little corner of the world.

The video ends with images that imply new growth, greenery and those images are also comforting and encouraging to me.

Finally, let's look at Coldplay's 'Paradise.'

A few pieces for you:

'When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep and dreamed  of
Para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise.
Every time she closed her eyes.


Life goes on. It gets so heavy.
The wheel breaks the butterfly...'


So first, I have always had very vivid dreams and graphic nightmares. I like songs that discuss dreams. To me this song describes the battle I've had this year with myself. I dramatically decided early on that the world had failed me and I remember begging God to make it all make sense to me. And despite my tight grip on what I would pridefully call 'the right track,' it all fell apart. So I maintained this victim mentality attitude like it had somehow been ripped from me.

This is obviously not the case, right? I have spent so much time curled up on the floor in tears, this year, it's ridiculous. (All part of the process, yes). But I felt broken. I felt like the broken butterfly, like despite my good deeds, life had thrown something I didn't want at me and it wasn't fair.

Well, life isn't fair.

Here's a funny story.

When I was little (and no, not like last year) if I ordered a hard shell taco at Taco Bell and it broke, I wouldn't eat it. It was useless to me. It was broken. It wasn't perfect and it didn't make sense anymore. I would insist on ordering a new one, and often starved because my parents didn't spoil me (contrary to popular belief, just for the record).

I realized in an interesting moment this summer that that is how I looked at my life after the divorce. It was broken. It wasn't the full, perfect life I'd dreamed of. What was I going to do with it now?

So this song represents that battle--to phrase it eloquently, the broken taco battle. The battle of still grabbing life by the horns, chasing my hopes and dreams, keeping my faith (after massive reconstruction, trust me) and still accepting the fact that I had a great life ahead of me. I feel like I, perhaps we, sometimes take the attitude toward life. It may follow times of deep pain or misunderstanding. But I say that instead of dreaming of paradise, we make that dream real and say, 'Listen, World. That wasn't my only shot. That's a mere piece of who I'm going to become.'

It's taken my God, my faith, my will and my loved ones to prove something to me.

I'm not the broken butterfly.
(And neither are you, my friend).

I was and sometimes I am. But I'm also the strong little stubborn caterpillar who refused to accept winter as its final season. I'm in search of a glorious spring and it is already blossoming.

So if you're a butterfly and you're currently broken, out of order, take hope. Let your wings heal. Don't give up and call it quits. If you're a caterpillar in winter, don't give up hope that the change is for the good--that it will grow you into something that can be used in this world to love and light.