"Falling Slowly"

So I went to see a Zac Effron movie on Friday night. Big shocker. Frankly, though I'm a huge musical fan, I have never and will never watch any of the High School Musical movies. No thank you. I've never been a big fan of teen/tween films (except for my brief Mary-Kate and Ashley obsession about ten years ago when they were making movies that were 'cool' like Passport to Paris, Winning London and Our Lips are Sealed). And, no, we aren't going to get into a discussion of how my definition of 'cool' differs from yours.

I love going to movies by myself because I can think. I'm not worried about what the other person is thinking if I laugh out loud or cry. And I'm not worrying about whether or not they like it as much as I do or if they'll shudder at the jokes I'm laughing at or if they watch the kissing scenes or look away for a few seconds. Right?

The Lucky One is Nicholas Sparks and I haven't read the book with this one so it would be a surprise. Most of his other films, I read before I saw. As caught up in the story as I became, my suspension of disbelief was not at the level it usually is because I was able to see why Sparks is a brilliant writer and businessman who has essentially written the same story over and over and over, changed character names and locations, and made millions. Or is it billions? (I just noticed I was lifting my pinky to my chin...*shudder)

He plays on the human experience. Simplicity is his sharpest tool. And I don't know if he has any say in cinematographers, but the scenery is always superb--a subtle character in this story as in The Notebook, IMHO. I think people relax into his stories, familiar with the characters. My biggest issue as a writer is the complexity of the stories I come up with. They are hard to write, hard to imagine, hard to put yourself into as a reader. I've DREAMED of coming up with a simple story idea that would be easy to work on, something I could do in my spare time rather than constantly be in research plan logistics mode. Maybe some day I'll find one. Then any agent I go to will say, 'Oh, this  has been done before. By Nicholas Sparks. Duh. You can't sell this.' Maybe I will go through life as an aspiring author--rather than a published one. Who knows but I digress.

Something began dawning on me about halfway through the film, once I stopped seeing Zac Effron as the idiot who dated (is dating?) Vanessa what's her last name. It fascinated me throughout the rest of the film. We're talking goosebumps, chills. There's a difference between watching a romantic film and thinking, 'Awww, that's what I want someday' and 'Awww, that's what I have.' 

Simple concept, right? If you're single, you know what I mean. I had that feeling growing up watching movies. If you're with someone and you're in that great relationship, you also know what I mean. If you're with someone who is a jerk, you also know what I mean. It's not what you have or it is what you have and you're either wanting that kind of love or relishing in the fact that you have it.

I was suddenly reminded of seeing Mission Impossible 3 with a couple of friends when it came out years ago. I had completely forgotten about this until I remembered watching my (happily married) friend's face as Ethan Hunt and his new bride basically 'went at it' in a closet right after their quick wedding. You ever get that feeling that you completely forgot about a memory and then it pops up somewhere and you go, 'Ohhhhhhhh yeah'? I remember watching my friend's face during the wedding scene and she was laughing and smiling at the closet scene and I remember thinking, 'I see that look of recognition on her face. It's not a want or a wish. It's an 'I've got that' look.' I remember not understanding it. You know, it's the movies right? There's always a draw or at least has been for me.

So where am I going with this? (my editor AND now one of my favorite professors from undergrad are constantly pushing me to start using MEMO FORMAT in my writing, for business and pleasure but I can't seem to do it).

I realized that even when I was married and happy or as happy as could be given the situation with my in-laws, when I went to movies and saw couples who were in love, there was still a tiny piece of me wanting that.

Weird, right? And I'm being totally honest here. There are a few things that I've realized this last year that just weren't 'right' in my marriage--little things that I never noticed before that some people could use as an argument that I wasn't the 'Christian wife I should have been' and that other people have used as proof that my story will end differently. Some of these I've shared with you and some I haven't. But there are a couple of things in my mind that let me know now that "somebody up there" gracefully saved for me to experience.

One of the biggest things was the discovery that I want to have my own children. I've always talked about adopting but never really had the desire to have biological children until AFTER my divorce. Thank God, right? No joke.

This realization during the film was along the same lines as the monumental day that I realized I wanted kids.

Whether it was the relationship itself that kept me from having the feeling that I 'had that' or the stress attached to the situation with my ex in laws that caused it, I will actually never know. I choose to believe the latter, the 'not a good situation' line. But I honestly don't know.

Anyway, I was excited about this revelation. It tells me there's more around the corner and hopefully, I've explained it in a way that you can understand. And there are even a few little things that God saved for later.  Who knows? Big things are in store. Maybe someday my little bathroom bag will even be unpacked! Ha!