Constellations

I haven't blogged in over a month. Sadness. It's late. Forgive the typos fragments, if you please. I'll fix them tomorrow.  I've been needing/wanting to write lately but haven't made time for it. And there has been a lot going on--updates soon. I made some time for myself tonight and went to see The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. I saw it alone, as I try to do with all films for which I anticipate a special connection. My intuition was right yet again as I love love loved the film and went on an interesting journey in my little theater seat. For a couple of hours, my mind was completely clear and I was able to see humanity in old familiar, sweet, honest ways that I found myself clinging to as I heard the echo of my own boots on the sidewalk as I left the theater. That film inspired tonight's short discussion.

I'm actually quite proud of myself right now as I was thinking about what songs I wanted to listen to as I wrote this, I remembered the song that was playing in my car as I drove away from the movies tonight. It's a song I hear once every few years and can never remember its name. Unfortunately, this radio station does not play the names of every song. So sitting at my computer, staring blankly, knowing that no other song would do for my high maintenance self, I sat there thinking like a toddler about how I would get my way (thus, my inspiration...so slightly mature than a toddler. I think the cognitive capabilities that recognize at least a primitive version of cause-and-effect-logic are in operation). I googled Portland radio stations and after a few wild guesses, found the right one and found their playlist of the day which included songs played all day long. I remembered I left the theater at 9PM, which meant the song listed at 9:02 was probably it. Eureka! I found it--Moby by Porcelain for curious minds. So I'm sitting here listening to that on repeat.

It's been an interesting two weeks as far as events are concerned. A lot of stuff is on my plate right now and I've some practical decisions to make--location/work, etc so as not to be too mysterious. (Ha! Me, mysterious). Practical stuff, the lot of it, to be sure, but decisions to make. On top of that, I embarked on a mini week long healing journey. I saw an opportunity, followed the path that was unfamiliar and even uncomfortable at first and in the end, learned a lot and made another HUGE/GIGANTIC step in the ever continuous healing process. I'm not trying to flog a dead horse, but I'm man enough to admit I'm not whole yet and that it's a process. So it isn't a victim mentality thing--it's an honesty thing and for those of you that are on this journey with me (and those of you who have gone on similar journeys before and know how long roads take), I say again that I love and thank you. To top that healing journey off, I also watched the LOTR trilogy on the weekend. I've only seen the movies one other time about ten years ago and haven't read the books since middle school so to be reminded of Frodo's journey and of all the characters and the battles--it just seemed fitting. I've learned in the past months that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. So the last two weeks were exhausting and rough but at the end of them, I have a deeper faith, I have more peace of mind and energy, I have more surety in making even tiny decisions, and I cried tears from a depth of heart that even I haven't seen in the last decade. AMAZING, AMAZING STUFF, my friends.

I was in the perfect frame of mind to see this film. If you haven't seen it, go see it. I'm a fan of British comedy and films and appreciated the all star English cast as well as the story itself. (I still couldn't stop singing 'Christmas is all around me...' in my head whenever Bill Nighy was onscreen.  Please comment on my FB wall if you get that reference. HA! I won't bore you with plot details since you have to see it for yourself. It was inspiring, a collage of different characters and stories and I swear if one of them doesn't relate to you at some point in your life, you aren't human.

One of the many things I came away with was this--sometimes you follow a map to find out where to go. It's shock and awe when you realize the map you've been following in the dark fog has lead you right to where you are. Suddenly, my mind sees crashing waves, old clipper ships and drenched sailors with long beards trying to catch glimpses of the stars to desperately figure out how far off course they are. There are several pieces of information God has shown me this last year that let me know I'm on the right path, even though I second guess and doubt everything and everyone in my life, sadly. Some things I can share with you and some I can't. They are like miracles to me, little pieces of stars that I have felt are guiding me home--certain things I know that I know that I know led me here, to where I am, to who I am, to who I'm with. Many of you have trusted me on that implicitly, no questions asked and I love and adore you for that. Others know those little pieces and clues and have marveled and cried with me, celebrating with me. Others have cautiously remained aloof, at a distance, never asking questions or inquiring, and yet I know you are watching. Some of you have followed your instincts and seen the light and love in my life now. Others can't rectify what you see now with what you knew of me before. I forgive you for that. I thank those that have celebrated and to anyone who shakes their head, wondering how I got here and how I'm ok with it, I pity your ignorance, and lack of intuition, discernment and understanding.  Yes, that's harsh, but I've dealt with a lot of unnecessary judgments, projections of personal, selfish fear in the last year. I've learned now to let you guys go. And my heart holds no anger or need to self defend. There simply isn't time or room for it. See or think what you wish. Your sight and thoughts reflect you and not me.

I've digressed. Here's a minor clue in reference to the constellations. I came up with an idea for a story about Africa when I was 13--now over a decade ago. That story was designed to tell the truth about a group of kids in Sudan. The plan was to tell the true story (historical fiction, essentially) through the eyes of fictional characters. The key was to make the fictional story and characters so fascinating, readers would learn the true story by being caught up in the fiction. I developed a love story between two main characters. I outlined a kissing scene. HOWEVER, at the time I had never been kissed and I knew the story was big, HUGE. It was and is epic--if it ever gets finished. I knew I could not write such a passionate kissing scene until I had been kissed myself. In fact, before my ex and I were even dating, I explained this issue in detail and he helped me outline the events leading up to the kiss! Interestingly, even after our first kiss and after our marriage, I refused to write that scene. I have written several chapters, written the ending, written pieces of the middle but never, ever wrote that scene or thought it was time to write it. Last month, having forgotten about this whole thing, I was driving and while planning out dinner, a random thought crossed my brain-"Katie, you can write the scene with Brian and Katherine now." And I thought, "Oh, ok. I need to do that. I can do that now. I need to actually write a draft of that and see where to fit it in." 


As I was sitting in the theater tonight, I realized the magnitude of that thought. Without thinking about it, the writer in me gave the permission to write that deeply passionate, epic scene that I've been waiting to write for over ten years. Why? It hit me tonight that unbeknownst to me, I couldn't write that scene before because I hadn't been decently kissed yet. It was as if my body and mind came together to recognize that now that I have been, I can write that scene and do it the justice it deserves. It's a girl thing, but it's truth.

Why did I not write it before? Why did my heart of hearts, the part that speaks without me thinking first, not give permission years ago?

Because I was meant to end up here, now experiencing a type of torrid, sweet, honest love that I couldn't have known then I had never experienced before.

(And there are a number of reasons for that, none of which I will speak of here). That is one of the smallest of puzzle pieces that all lead me to exactly where I'm at. I will share the story with many of you soon. So many of you expressed so much love when I posted the immature and fateful 'in a relationship' status on Facebook and I cried and hugged you all from my heart at the outburst of love. As I said, some of you are still watching and perhaps never knew the depth of darkness before. As I said previously, if you're still judging, my sorrow goes out to your hearts.

As for me and the rest of us, celebration and wonder is at hand at what I'm experiencing now in life in general, in love, with my family and now my amazing, beautiful, protective second family. (For those of you who know the old story, you know this puzzle piece is HUGE). I'm in love with the truth of sappy cliches. I'm realizing that becoming 'better than new' is actually possible. And I literally lost hope in that a number of times in the past 5 years. It's shock and awe that I'm realizing I'm becoming more like I was as a child and in my teens, pre-relationships, pre-grudges and preconceived notions--that raw person that used to live unashamed of what she knew of the world and of herself is coming back to life. I'm amazed and so so thankful.

This post looks disjointed to me right now and I don't mind. It will speak what it needs to say. For those of you who may be desperately praying about your path or what to do, take heart, rest, keep hoping. You may find that your map leads you to where you are standing, wherever that is. And don't settle. Keep walking on your journey. Don't minimize it. You're in your own story and you're also part of an amazing plan. I hope that sharing my crazy musings can either encourage you or at the very least let you laugh at my craziness!

I was listening to the radio on my way home from the movies and heard Katy Perry's Firework. That song will become my anthem soon because I feel that something incredible is around the corner. For those of you who have that feeling, don't lose sight of it.  I've felt that my whole life, but the feeling that it is looming closer and closer grows stronger daily. It isn't my anthem yet.

But, Houston, we are counting down.