I debated making this two blogs instead of one, or even multiple blogs. The danger of not posting for a while lies in the long overdue post being more novella length and thus, long and boring for you to all read as a blog post. But I will do my best to be brief (haha) and I thank my patient, faithful followers for your readership.
Some of you know I've had a bit of a rough last ten days or so. I'll be brief in my explanation of why. I was silent (on my blog) because I didn't want to verbally vomit all over and drag your attention to the wrong point. Now, that I have a beginning, middle and end to the last couple of weeks, I will explain because I myself now know the point and will hopefully get your attention to that.
There are times when I think my life SHOULD be a movie, or at the very least a sitcom, because some days are honestly either accidentally awful or hilarious, depending on how you look at it.
Let's start at the beginning of this little recent chapter. I was ecstatic to have my beloved memory card (with 800 pictures of my Hawaii trip on it) returned to me recently. When I uploaded the pictures to my laptop, for some random reason, it automatically signed me into a Dropbox account. Now, this seems harmless enough, except for the fact that it was strange because I've never set up a Dropbox account. And I've never had my laptop sign me into Dropbox when I've uploaded pictures. They usually go into 'my documents' or my editing program. So next thing I know, I am somehow logged into my ex's account since there are a ton of pictures of him and his girlfriend. Don't worry--nothing too horrible and I've known that he moved on for over a year now. I truly wish him well. But I still have no desire to see pictures of their apartment, their pets, and them making out on various beaches.
Ok, so that was a sort of shock. Then I found (somehow) videos taken probably about six years ago when we were dating. We were driving home from a lovely date in Spokane and I was rocking out to a song on the radio. I was basically singing karaoke in the car. And I didn't know it, but he had his phone in his lap filming all of it and showed it to some of my girlfriends later. It was hilarious. How is that even on a recent account? I have no idea.
The worst part of it for me was seeing the contrast--me then compared to me now.
I looked happy. And it isn't that I was happier with him than I am now. No. I'm very happy now and I've experienced a peace in the last year and a half that I haven't previously known. There's a peace now, a grounded feeling in my current relationship that I'm thankful for. I won't continue to discuss those differences, but where I am now is an amazing place to be and I see things now I didn't see then, about myself and the type of relationship I want to be in. Let's just say I'm very confident in my decision. And happy. And peaceful.
When those videos were filmed, I was under a lot of stress due to issues with my ex's family. So days back then weren't perfect. I looked light. There was a lightness, an innocence, a different type of beauty that I lack now.
So with the shock of the recent pictures and the contrast I saw between 'then and now,' I fell into a bout of depression. I am not ashamed in admitting this and have gone in and out of it within the last year and a half. It's been quite awhile since the last time. So this was odd.
I felt like I lost. I tried to fight the battle of keeping my innocent spirit above water in the war with my ex's family and that whole experience nearly took it out of me. That threatened my innocence, my light. The darkness swept over me and it took a long time for me to fight that and beat it successfully. When the divorce followed on its heels, that was too much. I don't feel that I've fully recovered. Now, I've come back stronger than before in a lot of areas and I'm grateful for that. I'm much more peaceful now.
But that super contagious happy, light, pure, innocent spirit--it's suffered. It's drowned...is drowning.
And finding those pictures and videos accidentally made me think...'Ok, how long is this going to last? I'm done. I can't keep dealing with this. I won't ever be that person again. A lot happened and life leaves scars.' Usually, there's a little voice, a tiny whisper that combats this...and says, 'No, you can get back to that--and better. You have it in you. You have to keep fighting. Don't lose hope. You didn't ask for this. You can do this.'
But last week, that voice wasn't there.
I also had bouts of more nightmares...one of my worst nightmares ever actually....so was working and existing on very little sleep.
It was a dark week and I could feel it drowning me as I surrendered.
(Do people all over the world suffer from far worse issues than I do? CERTAINLY. DUH. But this blog is dedicated to new beginnings and in this corner of the world, my corner, things are as they are. And sometimes, there are dark pieces of new beginnings so bear with me. I wanted to add that caveat).
Despite my exhaustion (it's harder to be depressed than it is to be happy=fact), my prayers, and the sweet, enduring patience and love of my best friend, I fell deeper into this dark feeling, fearing the worst--that I could never get back to that person I used to be and that it wasn't my fault. Depression + helplessness is not good. I felt like I had no strength!
And then I found something that launched me back.
Her name is Whitney Heichel.
And she was killed last week in the Portland metro area.
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