Here's a bit of random reflection about dealing with pain, battles, sadness and the little demons that have plagued me at times. I know some of you have dealt with them, too.
It's the end of the year, and I find myself reflecting back on this year and last year almost more than I'm thinking about Christmas! (An epic change for those of you that know me). There are a million songs I love and call my 'favorites' and music has been a huge part of my battles and triumphs. The last time I wrote and finished a novel was before I started college. I was 15. All of my novels and concepts for novels have and always have had sound tracks. People always ask me what I mean when I say that. And I mean that I see my books as films in my head, and in fact wrote chapters from my last novel from memory. I would spend hours choreographing the scenes and dialogue and take some rough notes at night. Then the next morning, I would wake up and write the chapter down. There are pros and cons to this and I don't see myself being that strict in the future. However, that to me proves how much music is a part of my thought process. Sometimes, I'll be walking down the street and passing people wondering who they are and what their stories are and I'll find myself humming some tune that I think goes with the tone of the moment, without even realizing it. It's how I see things. This could be largely in part that I was raised on musicals and didn't find out that people didn't actually break out into song and dance routines on a regular basis in real life until I was about 8 (don't judge--I did and so did my family! ha) But whatever the reason, music and more importantly music not for the sake of music--music for the sake of moving, directing, continuing or illustrating a plot or storyline is a part of me and how I think and write.
So I'll share a bit about my own soundtrack now. Most of you won't care or may even think this is self obsessed. I know that I'm not the only person thinking these thoughts and I know that my writing, for whatever reason, connects with certain people. So maybe this will inspire others to share or think about their own soundtracks. I also am not currently in 'writing mode' on a novel. I'm in 'planning mode' as I have been for years on one and in the initial stages of that on another. I miss being in writing mode but have struggled getting there for years. Anyway, writing little blurbs like this in the meantime help me feel like I'm still a writer. So here you go.
I have different songs on my soundtrack. (This is one of the many reasons I love the film, The Holiday so much. Jack Black's character writes music for films and puts a song together for Kate Winslet's character and I love that). I have my love songs. I have my action music (on good days, that's the Indiana Jones theme...that's days when I'm being productive and I'm happy about life and I see my actions or whatever I'm doing as successful, if not at the moment, at least it will be in the future. If it's mindless action and isn't moving my plot forward and I know that, the action theme could be any number of other songs. For example, when I was first reeling from my divorce, I would listen to Linkin Park's, 'Waiting for the End.' I wasn't in a place in which I was moving forward. I knew that. But I knew I had to deal with what was going on currently to get to the next step in my journey. I also knew what I was feeling was anything but positive. So screw Indiana Jones music at that point. This wasn't happy. This wasn't adventure. This was BS and I hated it. So the action song was different. I hope that gives an example of what I mean. If nothing else, it gives you an eye into my lovely, complicated psyche).
I have my every day songs. You've seen these in films--they play during a sequence usually illustrating the passing of time. For example, in the film How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, once Kate and Matt fall in love, they are depicted doing a number of activities together all to the lovely strains of Keith Urban's 'Love Somebody Like You.' Do you know this part of the film? It's an easy melody that goes along with the story. It's showing a part of the story quickly, what we would have in a novel in several paragraphs and pages. There's a continuity to the melody. You find songs like this in movies all the time, some could be more negative and some (like in How to Lose a Guy) could be more positive. But there's always a continuity to the beat, the overall sound (I'm not a musician, so I can't break down the technical terms for you). But I recognize these songs when I hear them sometimes. They are usually good running songs for me actually. I'll hear something and go 'Oh, that's a great every day song for my soundtrack.' Again, don't judge. It's how I process the world around me and after years of wondering if I was crazy, I've come to accept it as unique, kind of quirky and entirely beautiful. I'm trying to think of other examples of songs like this in well known films. I'll have to think. So I'm sure there's a technical term for those in films. I've always wanted to ask a big time director what they are actually called. For those of you that haven't heard the song I referenced from How to Lose a Guy, watch it here:
I bring those up just to give you examples of songs that are on my soundtracks, and how I find songs for the soundtracks for my novels. Every character has a song. Every relationship has a song. For example, a brother-sister relationship could have a theme song so I will listen to it when I choreograph or plan out scenes and conversation, or refer to it when I'm struggling with how one of them would think or say something--it's a song that defines how I see them. I don't do this just for characters who are romantically involved. Every part of the story has a song. So one character's story will have an every day song to show who she is walking down the street to work before she gets into the adventure I will write aout. She'll have her love song or another relationship song. She'll have an action song for when we see her accomplish what we need her to do in the story. And she will have what I call 'battle' songs. These songs could be happy, if her battle is somewhat positive--her task, if you will. Or they could be negative if she's fighting a darker battle.
And each character has an anthem. An anthem is what I define as that character's SONG. Sure, they have a lot of songs. My soundtrack for Africa has about 30 songs on it (so if it ever were a film, obviously, it couldn't contain all of those, not that Steven Spielberg would give me that kind of control anyway but still...) Usually, their anthem will stand out to me from their list of other songs. Usually, I don't go looking for a separate anthem. 'Ok, Chloe has her other million songs, now let's find her anthem.' No, usually the song will jump out to me from one of her other songs as significantly reminiscent of her entire character, her whole point in the story. For some characters, that's their every day song--that song with the charming continuity that shows me who they are every day, how they move from Point A to Point B, how they are the glue that holds their corner of the story together. For example, in my Africa story, my character Chloe's song is her every day song--Fly by Larue. (You've never heard of it). This is the song that we see her doing her daily thing. She's a volunteer at an orphanage in Sudan. She works with kids and she writes. Her character has no amazing feat that she's working toward. Her character simply IS. She's not the show stopper. So her song is upbeat and positive and that's how we see her. That's her anthem.
For other characters, it's their battle songs that define them. For example, in my Africa story, my main character Brian's song is 'Kryptonite' by Three Doors Down. That's his battle song. I picture seeing him "at work" in the story to that song--working with NGO's in camps in Uganda and running toward gunfire in Sudan carrying assault rifles, etc.
Make sense?
If not, stop reading right now.
You don't have to think my methods of creation are normal or sane. I'm only bringing all this into discussion as a means of explaining my own soundtrack. Here are my current anthems. These seem to change every several years or so. And I know you have soundtracks, too. Songs that remind you of high school or when you were first dating someone or songs that remind you of rough times. I know you get this, even if you think I have over thought this by well, a lot.
I see my anthem(s) as two sided.
The first is this, a darker realistic version of how I deal(t) with battles and rough times. The lyrics are insanely perfect in some ways and the video has such an amazing depiction of escaping 'dark passengers' and running free once again. (The part at 3:48 gives me chills every time I watch it. Her outfit is different, she's escaped, and that escape leads to happy smiles at the end). Up to this point in my life, my battles had been with other people. I had battle mode down to a T. I knew how to be strong, exhausted, burned out from fighting. I knew how to be that warrior. In fact, it was easier for me to be in battle than it was to be at peace--with others and with myself. I caution those of you who are going through battles right now. Be wary of that mode, that way of being. Be scared of it. Fear it, even! That's now how we were created to operate and there's a reason for that. In fact, we (especially women since I don't think that's our natural state and don't get me wrong here, I'm not trying to get into a gender roles argument), often fall into this mode in order to be safe. It's easier to be the strong warrior than it is to the the peaceful yet strong woman in a state of rest. Yes? So we have to be careful of this.
This song illustrates my internal battles, the battles that actually almost killed me a couple of times. This involves me looking at the ugly, gross side of me that I now knew was me--no one else, not circumstances, not my ex, not my enemies, not some misunderstanding or confusion. This was me and this was the first time I'd come face to face with that. It's scary. It's why I watch Dexter, ok? It's why I get people that I see at Starbucks sometimes that I don't know from Adam, but I see a look on their face that I recognize.
When she runs out of that house where there's all this darkness and insanity and weird figures and gets outside into the clean, night air, that right there is a moment I can't describe with words. That escape represents not a particular moment in my life, but a process. I don't have an amazing moment like some writers or actors did when something clicked. Nope. It was a process. It was every day. One day I was in that house, and one day I realized I was out of it. It took a lot, God, faith, people, and love. But I love that I can relive that 'moment' in this song.
Now, the other anthem that most of you probably know is mine is the song 'Firework' by Katy Perry.
Now, if you know that this is my anthem, I hope you know that when I sing it (and when my family sings it), I replace 'Baby' with 'Katie.' So the chorus sings like this: 'Katie, you're a firework...' Actually, more accurately, it sounds like this: "KATIE, YOU'RE A FIREWORK...." And my fam only sings it that way because when I'm around, I force them to. Ha.
This song to me is a great depiction of the courage I've needed and lacked and found this year. This to me is the whole package. Shake it Out defines the rough patches, the battle, which is a huge part of my journey. But this is my 'I have arrived' song. Some days I feel it and some days I don't. But you get the point.
Now, that I've established a baseline (I hope) for what my soundtrack is, I'll post more about my songs at some point. But today I was reminded of my journey and of the journeys others are on. Find a song that defines a point in your journey and when you move past it eventually, it becomes a landmark you can celebrate.
I've been reminded this week that it's important to celebrate the little things in life. My soundtrack reminds me to do that.
Until next time,
~justkatie
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