Hope & Insanity

Some thoughts over the last couple of weeks...

Tonight, my friends, I share a little of the current piece of the process I'm currently working on, which is accepting the true story. This may sound odd. But let's look at fairytales. Allow me to digress for a moment...

If Cinderella would have been in complete denial about the negative chunks in her story, would it have ended the way it did? Ok, I'm irritating myself with the Cinderella example. In case you don't know, post (and despite) divorce, I still maintain a very pro-fairytale stance. But I dislike the Cinderella story because I think that compared to other fairytales, the prince literally does no work involving the relationship. Let's face it--his dad set up the ball, the fairy godmother arranged the details. The way I see it, he had a great night dancing (ahem) with a bunch of random , gorgeous women, happened to pick out his 'favorite' and then threw a fit when he couldn't find her and bid the duke to ride off in pursuit of her.

Impressive, right? Not so much when you break it down, folks! There's also no substance in the relationship. They dance? So to me, very little if any communication at all took place between them?  Huh, I wonder if relationships work without communication. Let me check on that....

Ok, so I'm being sarcastic. But compare this story to that of Aurora? After meeting her, talking with AND dancing (talking and dancing...who would have thought) and then losing her, he battles the odds, Maleficent, and even time to eventually get to her. A little effort there and a work ethic that is anti-giving up despite challenges.

Ok, I'm done ranting. Back to my other rant about stories. What story about the past do I believe? What story am I selling myself currently about where I'm at and what story of the future do I choose to believe?

This idea was also pointed out by a friend of mine about a month ago--the whole story situation. I was explaining a little about what happened with my ex and my friend told me I'm holding onto the story--not the reality. Of course, the 'perception is reality' argument could be made to a certain extent in that one's perception, whether real or not, influences actual behavior/actions which ARE real. But I didn't argue this. She said that I'm not accepting what happened. I was holding onto my hope of what I wanted to be, but newsflash: that wasn't what I had. He chose to leave, regardless of my reasoning or his or other PERCEPTIONS of what happened , the marriage I thought existed was no more.

I had to deal.

This was an interesting response to what I was going through but I found it extremely helpful! It's honest advice like this that I value! Accepting WHAT IS has helped me to let go of what was or rather what I THOUGHT was. A huge problem this year that's been discussed with many loved ones is the issue of letting go. Sure, it is natural for people to hold on to something and that is to be expected and that is proof to me of my character, my intentions, and my definition of the term 'marriage.' My point is that someone who isn't showing or acknowledging pain isn't being honest. My difficulty in letting go of what's happened is a result of me being honest with myself and the pain I've felt, BUT it has also gone on long enough.

Let's face it: I'm a grudge holder. I have a good memory. I'm one of those who 'keeps score' when it comes to love. It's something I deal with and am constantly working on. So while it is natural to hang onto things, at some point, I need to move on with my life and stop the agony.  Make sense? I hope so.

So part of that process involves me accepting that the boy I thought I had is not who I had. Our marriage wasn't what I thought it was. Acknowledging that, though painful, honestly helped me think, if it wasn't that, then why in the world am I clinging onto it so? It's like holding a shroud or chasing a shadow. It's pointless. And this was finally explained to me in a way that was logical enough for me to understand. (Any of my teachers will understand the way that something can be said to me a thousand ways, and then that next time, something is tweaked just a bit and it clicks).

Needless to say, this helped it to click. We are in the process of clicking. I don't think I can honestly say this is totally past tense.

I also need to accept the amazing story that is currently unfolding in my life--this journey that is leading to new friends, new places, and a stronger faith. Thought I'm a strong believer in structuration theory, it has its place.

So if you're reading this, I ask you what stories you're believing in your life about your life? Are you not owning up to reality or are you denying yourself the gift of moving forward? Are you being too hard on yourself or are you taking the easy route and avoiding the hard truth?

I think it's something to be cognizant about and for me, I know where I stand now, thanks to the honest words of a dear friend. I'm done holding onto the story of what I thought my marriage was. Even if we started out that way, if my concept was correct, that concept obviously changed for one of us and it's time to accept that and that's a tough step to take. But it's been very healing. Why hold onto that? Why hold onto someone or something who chose to let me go? Don't I want someone who has the same definition of marriage that I do? Someone who will choose to go through difficult times with me? If so, it's time to accept the truth of what I had, which is humbling and embarrassing and painful, and with that acceptance the next step becomes more fluid.

As usual, here are some lyrics that assisted with this perspective.

First, (dramatically, surprise) lyrics that perfectly illustrate moments of the past that made up the insanity of everything that happened with his family. (If you don't know that story, stay tuned. We dealt with a lot of difficulty early on that was not our fault and I heard this song on the radio last week for the first time in years and was caught off guard of how poignant some of the lyrics are). Here are parts of Evanescence's 'My Immortal' (which saying out loud is not easy on my lisp, just FYI).

"These wounds won't seem to heal. 
This pain is just too real. 
There's just too much that time cannot erase...


When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hands through all of these years...


Your face it haunts 
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice chased away 
All the insanity in me."


And here are pieces of the lyrics to Christina Perry's 'A Thousand Years.'


'Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt 
Suddenly goes away somehow.


One step closer...


Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you
For a thousand years.
I'll love you 
For a thousand more. 


Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave.
I will not let anything
Take away 
What's standing in front of me.
Every breath
Every hour
Has come to this. 


All along 
I believed I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me.
I have loved you
For a thousand years. 
I'll love you
For a thousand more."



Indeed. The insanity is now completely behind me.

And I choose hope.



'Time stands still/beauty in all she is/I will be brave/I will not let anything/Take away what's standing in front of me/Every hour, every breath has come to this...'


Enough said.