During the last few weeks, I felt an old familiar feeling all too well. I didn't really know what it was. I just sort of felt it. I hadn't actually identified it with words or any sort of formal definition at all for that matter.
It was the feeling of being catapulted toward some event completely against my control.
That was the basis of it anyway. I identified sub-feelings as well--dread, exhaustion, nervousness, a complete lack of self confidence or esteem and something akin to the ardent regret associated with loss of battle as I knew I would always lose my fight against "time."
It hit me that I'd felt this a number of times throughout the year...
It was fear.
Plain and simple, justkatie--fear.
I was driving a back way to work as I mulled all of this over. I had loud music blaring and was enjoying the crisp sunshine and country scenery. And despite the dark topic, I suddenly smiled and felt that the sunny, rolling hills rushing by me seemed a perfect setting for the realization.
I have nothing to be afraid of. (Odd, yes, given the above description of the thought process, but stay with me). Each event that I dreaded so dramatically I survived.
*cue the cheesy, old tune, right?
Now, I may have barely made it through some of those events, and faced others with shameful behavior while sobbing my way through the clock ticking during more but either way, come hell or high water, despite enemies and arrows and mountains of emotions, I made it. I believe in God and my faith has played a big part in my life, especially this year. I've spent a great deal of time leaning on loved ones, to be sure. My point isn't that I'm some amazing person. No, my point is, that I made it through each of those events I dreaded so.
Thus, I really have nothing to be afraid of.
I'll be fine. In a way, it's a very invincible feeling. It's a feeling of power, strength and adventure all at the same time.
*cue cheesy old western style stand off music....(and don't laugh too much at the drama...it's how I see the world and that's ok).
I picture myself standing in the middle of some dusty street, old store fronts lining the path between me and some big black monster that I have labeled fear. In the scene I saw in my head during that sunny drive, a tumbleweed blows in front of me as I adjust the dark hat on my head and flex fists next to my pink six shooters (not unlike the plastic pair I had when I was about 8:). I see the familiar faces of loved ones tucked safely inside perhaps the general store or post office and saloon, watching anxiously from the sidelines, hoping against hope I will succeed but helpless in assisting me. Their hands are tied. I see my own dusty, exhausted timid, freckled face. At first there's a sense of hesitation. I can feel it and so can the loved ones watching--and so can the monster on the big horse in front of me. It's as if that's who I was and where I was up until the moment in my car. Then, in real life, that moment in the car happens and the revelation I just described above hits me. Then, unexpectedly I scoff scoff at adversity, bellowing a deep, haughty belly laugh. Then somehow, my perfect metaphor shifts and suddenly, I've gone from a shootout in a ghost town to calling out the shark on Chief Brody's boat, uttering that classic line....well, you all know what it is without me writing it here. :):)
Back to the western scene...I look around at the loved ones and grin and I look back at the monster with the same (perhaps naive, perhaps stupid, perhaps perfect) attitude that I ushered in 2011 with on Facebook when I posted what I call the "fateful post" that said, '2011, bring what you dare.'
I look at this dark ugly monster and I remember seeing it the day that my ex said he was going to file for divorce...the day the divorce paperwork came in the mail....the minute my flight to Thailand took off...during an unexpected coffee with a friend at Starbucks in Seattle...the minute my job and housing plans fell through for summer...the minute I switched grad programs...the day I drove to Portland...the day I wrote my comprehensive exams...the day of my defense...the days I started new jobs this summer and fall.
And the monster hadn't won. Each of those times, I felt shoved blindly into some dark hole and each time I came out a better person. The clock ticked. The time came. And it all worked out.
As soon as I realize this, I realize I don't even need to reach for the pink six shooter because the monster has disappeared. There's just an empty cloak in the dust, only a shroud in place of this huge villain. (In my other metaphor, there's lots of wooden pieces of boat and shark floating around on the top of the water, but the sea is calm now that the shark has exploded).
Don't you see? It's all in my head. It's all fear of the unknown and fear of a lack of control. Once I see that I've grown from those situations, there is no monster. There is no shark.
The fear dissolves because there's nothing to be afraid of except for maybe, my own fear. (think about it).
It's an attitude that's creating a construct that's creating a behavior that's influencing a thought process which reinforces/supports the very make believe thing that I'm so scared of. Yep, just brought in a discussion of structuration theory. How very grad student-esque of me. Bam.
Anyway. It was an interesting realization and one devoid of pride. Instead, it was a feeling of humility and strength and gratefulness that swept over me as I realized this. The dark thoughts we weave in our minds are far more dangerous than reality, I think. At least that's true for me.
I write this tonight to encourage anyone right now who is facing a deadline or some event or something--anything--that is gripping you so tightly with fear that you don't know what to do or what life will even look like after it's over. I know I can't be the only one facing battles like these.
So if this is you, take hope, my friend. Take hope. And change the way you think.
-justkatie
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