Christmas & Disneyland

This may start out as hum drum, but stick around for the happy ending.

The reactions of the human body when it is experiencing shock amaze me. Earlier this fall, my dad was rushed to the hospital for what we thought at the time was a heart attack. (No worries. He's fine). But no one knew what it was when it happened and the initial verdict was heart attack. And nobody gives details on a frantic phone call. So I'm at work and I get a call saying, "Hey, the guys at work just put Dad in an ambulance. They think he's had a heart attack and according to what the guys on the ambulance said, we don't know if he will make it to the hospital. Be there as soon as you can." 

There were a lot of thoughts going on at the time, as I'm sure you would guess. But in the middle of them was this thought on repeat (you guys know what those are, right? thoughts on repeat?) and I kept thinking...'He can't die yet because I haven't gotten the novel published that's dedicated to him. So...like...he can't just die. Oh, and I haven't eaten his fried potatoes in years and they really are my favorites reminiscent of Saturday morning breakfasts and mini cups of coffee when I was little. But for some stupid reason, I don't eat them now because they are 'too fatty' or 'too unhealthy' and I need to eat those again..and nobody else makes them like he does."

These are the thoughts rambling through my head. I know I'm not crazy because I've read about people who got in car accidents or lost spouses thinking or doing completely random things. So for me to be thinking about fried potatoes and novel dedications on the way to see my dad? Not weird, just human.

When my ex and I dated, I broke up with him for a period of a few months at one point. And we had just purchased season passes to a theme park near my hometown. And I remember that right after I broke up with him, I drove back to my house thinking...'What are we going to do about the season passes? What a waste of money and a good time. What am I going to do?'

So when my ex filed for divorce earlier this year, one of the thoughts I had when I was packing up our little apartment (read: my little life), two words were on repeat in my head:

Christmas and Disneyland

I'm a Christmas fanatic, usually more of a pain to my parents than my younger siblings and always the ring leader on early Christmas mornings, getting all the little kids up to go get my parents up. Ha. My ex had a miserable childhood and was raised by horrific people. Some of the stories I could tell you of what he endured as a child would make you want to kill someone. The holidays were always a miserable time when he was growing up and when we began dating, I worked very hard to make new memories for him, for us, so the term 'holidays' didn't make him sick. We talked a lot about new traditions and new beginnings during those days. So naturally, to someone with the typical 6 year old mindset about the holidays going through the grief process, my mind automatically fast forwards to Christmas and what the hell to do about it!!!

Then there's Disneyland. This is a different story. My first trip to Disneyland was during the first year we were married. I'd never been before. So to me, it wasn't like I'd lost a few memories visiting with an ex boyfriend. I didn't have any memories there with my parents as a little kid. He made those first ones with me and was so excited to take me there. For a while, I felt like he robbed me of those first memories. He was so excited to take me there and then, what, he just left? Not rational, I know. But still. Nice. In the middle of everything else, now I have to remake Disneyland memories. GEE THANKS.

So EVERYTHING I associate with Disneyland is associated with him and memories of that old life. Do I want to go back? Sure. Of course. I loved it there and I can't wait to go back. It's totally, me, ya know? I can spend all day in Adventureland with my fedora listening to the Indy Jones theme song constantly. But going back will require some work, you know?

Anyway, I was certain that the holidays this year would be rather melancholy and very different for me. Well, as it turns out...there was a different end to my story, once again.

Today, I finalized plans to celebrate not one, not two, but three happy Christmases this year.

I know, right? How blessed am I? In an unexpected twist of fate, I get to be with my family Christmas day and loved ones the week after. I thought this would be a dark, exhausting Christmas to get through as I faced the choice of throwing out all the new traditions I'd created for an old life, finding new ones, or arriving at some combination of the two. I didn't think I would hang a stocking or trim a tree this year and while the right stocking is yet to be found (I ahem...burned my old one) and the tree is yet to be trimmed, I have a lovely green fir that seems like a brand new canvas waiting for new colors, new ornaments, new lights and lots of glitter. You see, the old color schemes and ornaments simply wouldn't do for this tree. And I see now that the old stocking wouldn't have complimented it at all.

And I don't just get my Christmas here. I get a Christmas with my family and a Christmas with lots of loved ones, too.

So the thing I was so focused on in the initial shock of it all has worked out perfectly--better than perfectly. I don't think I've ever experienced the holidays like I will this year and who would have thought?

As Bob Wallace would say...I'm counting my blessings instead of sheep. And trust me, I'm falling asleep counting my blessings.

So I don't know about Disneyland yet or Adventureland or Disney Princesses...but I'm guessing that will work itself out, too, as everything else gets redefined. :)

-justkatie