Dear FB Friends,
As usual, rather than writing simple daily musings each night, I instead choose to bury myself in work and in preparations to move and anything I can find until all of my creativity wells up and oozes over in true typical form. This year we've had a couple different options for expression of such musings...
Form A-lots of mushy, inspirational 'I'm-coming-into-who-I-am' and having an Eat.Pray.Love-year’ musings
Form B-lots of sad/angry feelings of loss that result in posts about people (namely my ex and a few old 'friends') that (in those moments) I thought should either be castrated or murdered--or ya know...anything else that would result in their pain and dramatic exit from my life. (and mooooving on...)
The point is that usually my FB statuses or notes can be put into one of the above categories. I think that the tides are changing/have changed and that you will be seeing much more of Form A posts, rather than Form B posts. (Don't hold me to it too closely, now, as I can't guarantee I won't have an occasional rant. But let's face it. Would I be Katie without such? Who are we kidding here?)
But as I always say, I'm keeping it real. I try not to be too emo on FB, and I dislike the whole victim mentality. So I need to get my act together and make sure that that's not what I'm doing on here, though over the last year, there have been some of those types of public posts on here. And I said to myself...who cares? I can deal and so can others. It's been a difficult year.
However, as I stated before, the tides have changed. I've made decisions and choices that will put me where I want to be--on the path of a destiny that I still don't know the details of. For once, my own plans have put me in a state of not knowing what's going to happen--very odd behavior for me, as my loved ones know. Very odd indeed.
Let's get one thing straight...I'm a very scheduled person.
My plans always err on the safe, cautious side. And I'm not doing anything too insane, I assure you. But I've made some decisions that have put me right in the middle of the road and I don't know which way it leads. That is a very dangerous state of being for me, you have to understand. Yet I'm seeing and feeling and knowing an odd peace (not to mention a sense of adventure like I've never known before).
Oh and on that note, may I just say, who knew you couldn't have adventures that are planned? I mean really. I've been waving my 'adventure' flag above my head for how long, even forcing others to publicly acknowledge that word is synonymous with my being (if any of you were at my undergrad graduation, you understand this sentence) and I finally realized that I wasn't having adventures because I wasn't willing to go on them!!! Silly Katie...(face-palm)
So now I'm on an adventure. I really have been since this whole year.
And do you know what's so odd? My best friend pointed this out to me recently. Since my ex decided to file for divorce, thus ending the lovely, secure life I thought I had created for myself, things have actually been falling into place perfectly. So I keep saying this was a horrible year because of the pain I've experienced. But another dear friend pointed out that in pain, there is beauty and growth. (hella growth {excuse the slang expression} for those of you who have been with me on this journey this year). So perhaps...this is going to be remembered as an amazing year rather than one in which my life fell apart.
I digress (what else is new?) The current piece of this adventure is having faith, trusting, if you will. It’s an interesting process. Because after all the secure things you found yourself holding onto were swept out from beneath your feet, the natural pendulum swings you the opposite direction—which is refusing to cling onto anything that might cause an attachment (any attachment to any type of love and support in my case), and possibly start the cycle all over again. So for example, in a mere act of reaction (not action, reaction, mind you) I have pushed things away that might cause attachment, even refusing help from friends at times (both physically and emotionally) in order to do everything on my own. Those of you who are around when suggestions are framed incorrectly know my response. “Don’t tell me what to do.” In an effort to be on my own adventure and do it all myself (also a reaction to the change in my relationship status this year—insistence on doing everything solo), I’ve realized that I’m not trusting—other people or myself—or having faith that everything will all fall into place as it should.
The point (oh, the long awaited point). I’m learning the puzzle of flying. And recent conversations with a ‘new and dear’ friend about the journey this year combined with my own thoughts about the journey of adventure this year that the divorce catapulted me into have led me to describe it this way.
Flight is a process. (And I like this metaphor becaucse it fits on multiple levels. No, really. It's brilliant. My parents and grandparents nicknamed me 'Chickadee' when I was little and it stuck. Why? How should I know? Also, I memorized the story of Chicken Little when I was 3 because I wasn't old enough to read. I always identified with the main character. I posted a few pictures about little birds I found in Thailand because I like little birds for some reason. I love sitting outside at Madeleine's in Spokane because all the little sparrows come to eat the leftovers. I love the little bluebirds in Cinderella. They look stubborn yet oddly happy. I identify with them. I just do. Don't question it, for pete's sake. So I'm sticking with the flight metaphor because I like it for a couple of reasons. It works with birds, and it also works with Disney. Please continue reading...)
It’s a puzzle that pieces have to fit into in order to actually be flight. I’ve had some rocky starts at it this year. But the optimist in me would say this is the first year I’ve ever actually attempted flight, so in that sense, even unsuccessful attempts (ending in the proverbial splat) would be applauded, yes, FB friends? I’d convinced myself that in order to be on my own, I had to fly in my own strength. The flight part is true. But here is what was pointed out to me recently.
Peter Pan needs a happy thought to fly.
Will I one day fly on my own? Yes, I will. I’ve already had a few takeoffs this year (the lantern lighting moment and my decision to switch schools in the middle of a graduate program are a couple of those, btw). But I realized that it’s because of all the care and support of all my loved ones that I will be able to do so. And one of the last pieces of that journey for me is the faith/trust issue….learning how to stay innocent and beautiful in the midst of pain is one of the hardest tasks I’ve ever undertaken. But it’s that innocence and beauty that speaks to the world, yes? So if I want to make a difference, that’s a choice I have to make. Anyone can be cynical and bitter. That’s fine, but I choose a different path. And I think that I will find the courage to have that faith someday. All those paragraphs to simply share with you all...
...I'm just katie...and I'm learning to fly.
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