Dear FB Friends~
As usual, I take the proverbial pen (or keyboard rather) in hand to share some random musings of my day. They don't always make sense or are even logical, but I don't really care. I'll share them anyway. Some of you may shake your heads in wonder at the immaturity in this, and some will undoubtedly applaud me. In my typical oh-so-eloquent fashion, I offer a slight curtsy and say to you, 'Whatevs.'
Today was one of several positive days for me. Over the past few weeks, positive days have come in strings--not just one or not just a couple of hours. I consider myself blessed. Today was, as I said in my FB status earlier, not just simply a 'thank-God-I-got-through-this-without-dark-thoughts' kinda day. It was positive--and then some. I was keenly aware of growth, oddly. In a descriptive text I sent to a friend, I stated the following: "Today is one of those days in which I can feel myself getting stronger by the second...very much so, in fact. I'm assuming the feeling is similar to that of learning to walk. Even though I can't remember that particular struggle, this feeling of awareness feels familiar." Little thoughts of strength were constant today...one right after the other...not the feeling of being strong, mind you--the feeling of achieving strength. The feelings are very different, you know. Very distinct. I felt that I was becoming stronger...it's a process. Little obstacles that would previously have made me feel challenged and attached didn't have that effect today. No. I handled them in stride. For example, when one project couldn't be completed because of more paperwork, I wasn't threatened and convinced the universe was out to get me and make my life miserable (in typical Anne Shirley-esque behavior). I thought, 'This is going to happen. Just a few more days--it's ok." That for me was a tiny step of strength--much like the first step executed when learning to walk, still barely leaning on the arms of a loved one.
As I was driving around doing errands today, each song on the radio reminded me that even though every tiny detail of my life right now is completely undecided, I am ok. And I will be ok. And there's a difference, you know, in being told that by smart people around you and actually believing it? You almost feel like you're in a room crowded with smoke and people are staring you in the face (picture one of those close up camera shots of people in your face, happy and loud and confident and so sure of themselves as you weave your way through a crowded space) but it's almost as if everything they are saying is fuzzy and blurry and incoherent. And you know they are there oh-so-happy to see you and oh-so-happy to encourage you, but it's all getting lost in translation because your brain won't--possibly can't--actually translate the words into belief or action. That’s the best way I can describe my state of belief about my situation and myself worth since the divorce. I’ve been loved on so much and told I will be all right and successful and ok financially for months now. But it was fuzzy and blurry and incoherent and the days have been filled with doubts and dread and worry as I contemplate and attempt to pick up and put back together the pieces of myself. Does this make sense? Today, the very fact that I know the details are not worked out yet and I'm ok--that is a new strength in itself. I’m ok when I don’t know. And I think that this is happening specifically to build my faith—in God and in myself.
So it was a good day and something was very clear--the fact that I am a writer. That's who I am. And any awesome job that I get when I'm done with school will be to pay the bills while I write. End of story. So that said, I wanted to offer a word of caution to my friends and enemies. That was what inspired this little piece of writing today. My journey of self discovery has been very interesting and while I think that everyone goes through this time in life to a certain extent, the details of each are very different.
(Interestingly, that term, self discovery just launched me into another random tangent. I grew up in an environment in which the very words ‘self discovery’ were almost taboo. With any focus on self, one was deemed ‘in the flesh’ or spiritually immature. Any focus on self implied a lack of focus on God/spiritual walk. There was this overwhelming pressure to be completely immersed in spirituality so the 'icky self' wouldn't be able to show through. (Now, to me, that implies extreme lack of responsibility, but that is a nother topic. Do I think that the self is perfect? God, no. I think there's a lot of stuff, good and bad that needs to be recognized and dealt with in each of us!) I won’t generalize here and say that this idea is reflective of all of Christianity because it isn’t. I’m just sharing with you a bit about the environment I grew up in regarding my faith). Now, I’ve come to believe and know that my faith is a dynamic relationship involving my will and God’s plan. But at the end of the day, I have to actively choose to have that faith. It’s not about praying on the “armor of God” every day. (Don't get me started on this...) It’s about making a conscious choice to have faith. And who makes that choice? I do. So my faith now is very different from what it was years ago and I’m thrilled about the changes. All that was off topic to say that I am proud of my journey of self discovery and that’s built my faith like nothing else has. I’m also not afraid to use that term anymore and if any of my old friends are reading this and shaking their heads, ‘tsking’ at me, picture me maturely sticking my tongue at you right now. HA.
Anyway, this journey is already in the process of becoming a book, as many of my adventures will become someday. It may take me 50 years to write these adventures or it may take me 5. I’ve been saying I will write for a while now and am only just now realizing that not doing so would be rejecting who I am, who I was created to be. So I thought I would post a word of caution, jokingly, of course. (No, but seriously…)
My loved ones will appear in my story(ies) as characters like superheroes and fairies—people who save the day with a variety of superpowers, magic wands, and magic dust—all physical representations of the love that I’ve experienced from them that has quite literally saved my life, this year especially, but as long as I’ve known them. And these people aren’t the ones who think I’m amazing and say sweet things whenever in my orbit. So don’t think that’s what’s going on here. No. On the contrary, many of these people have told me the harshest truths about who I am and who I’ve been. At times, those have been very negative statements, though always followed with love and acceptance.There will be main characters and there will be people that have been brought into my life quickly and unexpectedly who have said beautiful things that I’ve never forgotten. Perhaps those characters will appear as little dwarves or elves. I’m not sure.
My enemies will appear as gremlins, ogres, witches, evil sorcerers, and perhaps even as toads. (I already have a character arc in mind for a female character named Griselda who is a horrifically bitter creature with dry grey hair, long yellow nails and a plethora of moles. I’m just trying to figure out which story to fit her into, but it will happen, no worries).
Anyway, yes. This little note was meant to say, ‘Hey, I’m writing and will be writing continually’ seriously. And it was meant to say, ‘Hey, friends! Let’s hope you’re not one of the ogres in the story’ jokingly.
With these odd, funny, peculiar ramblings, I say, life is amazing and will continue to be amazing. And it's all the superheroes and ogres who have made it such an awesome experience thus far.
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