Greetings All~
There are several thoughts I'm mulling around and I feel like they are all rather disjointed, so do bear with me. In an effort to be organized, I'll offer a short preface of serious thoughts, random connections, and over-sifted memories will be discussed as well as inspiration I've been blessed to receive from some of my loved ones. I feel more disorganized post-preface. Whatever.
Also, I'm going to quote some lyrics that contain language. haha So there's your warning. And I'm going to be open (a bit) about what's happened this last year. Let's face it--I've been fairly honest on Facebook about good days and bad days and dark days and angry days and sad days. But I haven't been as emo as I could have been, right? (Just smile and nod). Right. I don't regret my honesty here, though I've been reprimanded for it (both in love and in judgment from loved ones and some...well, not so loved ones). I think that honesty with myself is important. I also think that being honest about pain shows my loved ones where I'm at, who I am, and any idiot with half a brain who has ever known me should be able to see that I am real, on FB and elsewhere (well, most idiots with half brains, but I digress).
Also, I felt VERY STRONGLY at the beginning of the year that I should keep quiet about the details of my situation until approached. I completely felt and know that this is what God put on my heart to do in regards to handling the situation. I also dealt with most of the divorce fallout when I was in Thailand for a couple of reasons. 1) My ex husband requested mutual silence on the matter until it was final. In an effort to not make things worse, I complied, though I probably shouldn't have because that silence during the situation has cost me some 'friends.' But on the other hand, those 'friends' should have had the common sense to come talk to me after they found out, right? (Or wait...only hearing one side of the story OR not talking about the situation at all IS the practical and logical way to handle difficult situations, right? Don't get me started). 2) I was dealing with enough at the time. (It was literally all I could do to finish out spring semester of grad school on practically no food and no sleep. My poor students were the only lights in my day sometimes, thank God for them. Literally). I needed to get away and be away and I needed time. So once it did come out, I handled the communication when I needed to. I have held to this code all year. I've waited for most people that weren't familiar with the situation to approach me about details not only because I felt I was supposed to but because I didn't want to speak out in anger. I admit that even though I haven't gone into mega-detail, there have been FB posts that were typed in complete and utter hatred, which was only a cover for deep, deep pain. Right? Isn't that what most anger and hatred is? But now my anger is subsiding...has mostly subsided. I'm healing rapidly, I'm happy to say, thanks to God and my loved ones and some unexpected miracles this summer. So do I gush about all the details all the time? No. But I feel when something comes up, a memory perhaps, I can talk about it and not wish a long, painful, fiery death for my ex. Haha. All that to say that when I talk about these events and my ex, I can honestly say that I speak in peace, in an effort to shed light on some other point I’m making rather than make someone out to be the proverbial bad guy.
Let's start with some thoughts and connections made during a late night rainy run after a recent yoga class. I've been running more and more lately, by the way. (Interesting as I've always hated running). I am getting addicted to it actually. One thing I've learned (and am learning continually this year) is the importance of controlling my thought process on a constant basis. I guess I never realized I had to be so cognizant of it until I realized how damaging thoughts can potentially be. Let me share a few quotes I've been pondering regarding the importance of this.
Here's a few quotes from Paul: "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Cor. 10:5)
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."(Philippians 4:8)
And here's a few quotes from Yoda: "A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was."(The Empire Strikes Back)
"Beware. Anger, fear, aggression. The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny." (Return of the Jedi)
I've noticed that I have more endurance and can run much longer if I'm listening to happy, upbeat music, thinking happy thoughts than I can if I listen to what I like to call my "angry songs" of the year and think...well, less happy thoughts. I'll give you three guesses as to the subject. However, sometimes I find music that causes me to reflect, yet also inspires me. Or maybe I'm learning to think more positively when I find myself thinking dark thoughts.
Let's take one of my favorite songs, Lighters. As I listened to this the other night, I began feeling an all too familiar surge of anger and adrenaline as I ran. But then I began to actually listen and the thought pattern suddenly turned around.
"By the time you hear this I will have already spiralled up
I would never do nothing to let you cowards *&%$ my world up..."
I have spent a great deal of the last 5 years of my life worrying about what people think, specifically what my ex's immediate family thought of me. This year, that rug has been shaken out from under me as I had to learn to not care, yet I STILL struggle with it because of pride and a desperate need to prove myself and be right, which comes back down to pride. LOL
I tried SO HARD to be myself and prove myself to them and to others. And it hit me that night as I was running, that I am now spiralling up. I'm living the life that I want to live. I'm choosing to be surrounded by the care and support of my loved ones and I'm on the brink of starting my career, and finding more purposes for my life. I'm also almost done with school, which is rather elating. I’m going to live a great life!
So it hit me...whatever my ex and his family hear about me over the next year or two years or decade DOESN'T EFFING MATTER.
And I know that many of you have told me this, have been telling me this for years. Even my ex encouraged me years ago about this. I have some very good memories of his encouraging, actually. This is something I’ve needed to learn for a long time and this year served as a catalyst. The pain was unbearable--or I thought it was. But God and my loved ones brought me through it. I also chose to get through it and to pick myself up, meet God and the loved ones in the middle and choose to keep going.
The second part of the line...well, it also hit home, as brash as it is. I choose to live my life the way I believe that I should and I won't let people who are judging me because of their own fear affect me anymore. That's it. Done.
"I wanna just say thanks cause your hate is what gave me the strength/I came with 5’9′ but I feel like I’m 6’8..."
This inspired another thought. And I'm going to be very honest here. When someone you love says, 'I thought that your emotional stuff was just school stress. I didn't know you were still in love with me. I haven't been in love with you for a while. Guess I just get over things quicker. But, yeah. I'm not in love with you anymore," it feels like hate.
It isn't. It wasn't. It was a statement said, honestly, as a response to pain...so much pain…pain that seeped so deeply, it wasn't even detected yet by its host. I know that now and it brings tears to my eyes.
Nevertheless, at the time, I thought it was hate. And in reality, the divorce set in motion a course of events that has made me stronger. SO MUCH STRONGER. I came with 5'5' and now I feel like I'm 6'8'. So what happened is sad. Sad doesn't even begin to describe it. But it happened. And it's time to stop questioning and to stop lamenting and stop living in the past and it's time to move on and be thankful for where I am and who I've become.
And people need to not condemn me for that. (I also need to not feel guilty about that). I think that people who don't know the details, people who never asked, and have seen this happen from the outside think...wow, how horrible. YOU'RE RIGHT! But you can't think, wow, how can she be happy? She should be devastated. You have no idea what you're talking about. I was inspired to write this today because Megan, a dear friend of mine, posted a blog recently. Check it out here: http://megan-artemis.tumblr.com/post/10919457426/divorce
She is an amazing woman who is on a healing journey on her own and has also faced a lot of judgment and awkwardness and people who are uncomfortable with what happened. I love her so much and her courage in dealing with her situation this year has just inspired me. She is confident and I've learned lots of lessons from her. And her blog inspired this rant of my own.
So we've covered the importance of strength of mind and how that has influenced my journey of moving on. I know that many of my FB friends are on similar journeys. And I know some of you are on journeys that I don't even know about so it's my hope that some of my rantings will encourage you or at the very least, let you know that you are not alone. The world is a very dark place when you feel alone. But it is so beautiful when there is love and hope and peace, even during tough times.
Until next time~
justkatie
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