A Little Magic; A Few Cliches

"In India, we have a saying: 'Everything will be all right in the end.' So if it's not all right, it's not the end." This is a line I, and many of you, have heard before. I was reminded of it the other night when I saw The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. This was sent to me in one of many emails right after I posted the relationship status change on Facebook last April. I was encouraged. It came in the midst of a barrage of other emails that questioned the situation, my character, my very salvation, and my next steps in life. Tangentially, while those emails have not come in many  months, I find I get questions now regarding 'moving on' and how I have been able to accomplish that feat. Some emails have been positive. Some have not. It's hard to explain how to move on after you've been completely let go of. Here's the best that I can do: Something clicks in your brain at some point. You realize the life you built is completely over and there's nothing you can do about it. And you wake up one day and realize that rather than banging your head against a wall, you'll take a breath and (God forbid) MOVE THE EFF ON. So in a snarky, collective response to those emails--it's like that.

On to more pleasant topics, Friends. (Forgive me. It's late and dark outside).

I rambled in my more recent blog and didn't have time to touch on a minor, tiny yet fascinating point still related to the film that inspired me this week. A year ago, I was bitter, disappointed, mad at life itself because I saw myself as a victim. I felt betrayed and I was bitter--second guessing every decision I'd felt God's hand in previously, shucking it all off as a mistake because of the outcome. The consequences of that mistake would cost me, what I thought, was a lifetime's worth of depression, loss, and pain. I'd made a decision. I got burned. I would never recover. (You see, it sucked that my marriage was my first relationship. The divorce was that much more painful as my technical and proverbial 'first breakup'). I was convinced I would never be whole again--more mature, yes; more loving, yes; more empathetic, yes; less judgmental, yes. Whole? No. I was convinced that the collective Hardy family had ruined me in more ways than one (victim mentality = duly noted, Madams and Sirs). I had only barely recovered from the first tidal wave of my ex's father pervertedly 'falling in love with me' when my ex left. The entire family as far as I was concerned had royally *&^%...er, shall we say 'screwed' me over. I was not who I was before I knew them, before this happened. Last year, I never could be again.

You see, I'd only read stories, heard rumors, whispers from fairies about those who came back from dark, evil experiences with wicked stepmothers and stepsisters, haggard old members of the royal court who preyed upon  new, young beauty, dark thunderstorms, princes nearly dead from the spells cast on them. I had only heard stories from these fairies about the peasants and princesses who could make it back from the evil, as good as or better than new.

I heard the words 'as good as new' or 'better than new' with awe. I comprehended the words. I do speak English, fluently. But as I sat, listening to these fairy whispers, I laughed. I mocked them. I cursed and stood screaming, insisting these characters they gossiped about had not been betrayed by the dark lords I had known, had not fallen for princes under a spell only to be banished from the kingdom at long last, had not battled the fierce dragons I stuck with my dagger of desperate innocence and blinding light. After my screams of protest, the fairies fell silent, obviously. I hear fairies don't manage conflict well so there I was last year...convinced I'd made the worst mistake of my life, sure I would never completely recover, and determined to make the best of it.

Well, well, well. The other day I was driving on a small country road. It has been sunny. The sun combined with the bright green, flowering countryside is a staunch contrast to the typical Twilight-esque gloomy iridescent weather I've seen all winter. I thought to myself that it's like the Shire here--happy, sunny, hopeful, peaceful, small and safe and tucked away from the rest of the world.

And then it hit me--the last two weeks have been rough with so much deep coming to the surface ("deep calls out to deep")--I am seeing glimpses of the old Katie.

If you don't get the gravity of that sentence, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'm seeing glimpses of the Katie I knew before the Hardy saga started over six years ago. My eyes look different. I look younger (and have been told so). Every so often, I'm giddy again. I'm girlishly excited about life--something I haven't felt since this dark cloud started. There is a feeling, a knowing in the depth of my soul that I'm coming back to who I am.

I'm coming home.

I can't explain the depth or importance of this in words. People who have known me for years knew something changed when the dark shadow fell across my face years ago, after the first disgusting encounter with the true side of my ex's family--when his dad, who I trusted as a friend and pastor for years sent me a horrifyingly descriptive "love letter." I never quite recovered. Had just started to do so when the next wave hit last year. We all know how that turned out.

I'm feeling glimpses of how I felt BEFORE all this happened--when I was innocent and beautifully in love with life and all who were in it. Sure, maturity has done me good, has kept me safe. Naivety drifted into wisdom and I'm better for that. But something was lost in the process--the sparkle in my eyes that I was known for in my young years, the hope and ardent love of humanity, the faith.

I can't explain it. I feel like I'm back. It isn't ever a whole feeling, though I hope it will be someday. I catch the knowledge in glimpses. I find it fleeting and I say, 'That's Katie again. Stay, please?' This isn't Katie-pre-divorce. This is Katie-pre-dark-saga. This is Katie at say age...17...what some friends of mine have dubbed my 'blooming years' when I developed such a strong faith and such a love of people that things started happening.

I'm seeing glimpses of that person who I thought was long gone, who I thought would somehow have to pay penance for the mistakes she made. And, yes, she's better than new because not only is she back to that sparkle, that love, that trust and faith, but she's got a tiny bit of life's wisdom to go with it. I can read people now like never before, have learned to interpret body language, words, postures in ways that let me see people.

So somehow, 'better than new' is in the process of becoming reality. All this whole long, drawn out blog post is to say that the old Katie is back and she is slowly but surely becoming better than new and she would have sworn that wasn't possible last year. That old spark is back and I literally haven't seen it in years. With it is all the love and sweetness that God has brought me in this next chapter that continues to amaze and surprise and comfort me. There are days when I wake up and honestly and selfishly feel that I'm basking in love from so many different people, especially that of my family, my sweet love, and my second family. And, don't worry--I'll tell you the story of the 'sweet love' soon.

I realized recently that I have been blessed, privileged to have been given two amazing love stories. The end to one does not invalidate the beginning. And the second somehow encompasses sweet whispers, characters and a story that essentially trumps them all as far as I'm concerned. I'm learning to see the beauty in all I've been given. And truth be told, destiny had some hand in the tale of the Princess and the Knight. It's one for the ages.

So all this to tell you, I'm coming back. If any of you are going through insane situations right now, don't lose hope. It takes time. Let the process do its work. Let it happen. Go with it. Give into the insanity, the pain as long as you keep the hope and faith tight in your fist. If you've accepted your circumstances in quiet agony and passivity, take heart, dear Friends! Just when you accept it and things as they are, the light will shift and you'll see not only are you changed, but you are changed for the better. It's such a hard concept to grasp onto if you don't FEEL and KNOW it as I do now. But I swear to you...wait. Don't give up hope that you'll come home. The second you give up quietly, a miracle will shock you into believing in fairy tales again, into believing in yourself again--a self you never knew.

Another line from the film: "How can you bear this country? What do you see in it that I don't?"
"The light, the colors, the smiles. It teaches me something."


What have I learned from this--'the light, the colors, the smiles--they've all taught me something. And I'm the better for it.

So wait and take heart. Wait for the light and the colors and smiles to teach you something. And never say never again.