Three Cheers to the New Year

"There was a time when men were kind

When their voices were soft

And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind

And the world was a song

And the song was exciting

There was a time

Then it all went wrong.

I dreamed a dream in days gone by

When hope was high

And life worth living

I dreamed that love would never die

I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid

And dreams were made and used and wasted

There was no ransom to be paid

No song unsung

No wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night

With their voices soft as thunder

As they tear your hope apart

And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side

And filled my days with endless wonder

He took my childhood in his stride

But he was gone when autumn came. 

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather.

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed 

The dream I dreamed. "

So we're heading into a new year. On top of that, my birthday is next Thursday. On top of that, it isn't just any old birthday--it's 25. It's one score and five. It's a quarter century. It's much like eighteen was for me--not one of the 'special' birthdays, but a big one nonetheless. And something tells me I'm going to be surprised. So to give a little background, I decided several years ago, there were certain birthdays I had to look forward to--on the basis of a gut feeling of some magic happening. First was 15--because I was as old as Louisa in The Sound of Music. (I jumped up from Brigitta, you see). Then sixteen--but not because I could drive, but because I could move up to Liesel from the same film. Then seventeen--only because I liked the number and because I was convinced something magical would happen that year and I was right. This is what my BFF calls my 'blooming year.' Something changed on the inside that year. I opened my heart that year. (I once went without crying for over 3 years--this was in my mid-teens). I had sort of turned myself off, if that makes sense. Well, seventeen became the year that I changed that. Amazing things happened that year, just as I had predicted. The next big year on my calendar was not 18, not 21, but 23. (18 and 21 were big just because they were--just like 25 will be...but they weren't special years on my bday calendar). 

23 marked the year of my divorce and the year of my biggest dream as yet coming true--study abroad. It was the best and worst year of my life, as I predicted on New Year's Eve that year--before my study abroad was set in stone and before I was aware that my marriage had come to an end. This is one reason why I'm obsessed with the 'feeling' I get about the year to come on New Year's Day or Eve. I've ALWAYS accurately predicted the general tone of my year by then. In 2011, even though I did not know my marriage would end that year, I predicted it would be a year of extreme pain and growth. At the time, I anticipated that pain and growth occurring with working through issues in my marriage. I had no idea what would happen, but I completely called it. I also knew I would experience extreme elation, because even though the details about study abroad were not complete yet and the deposit wasn't made till mid January, I knew it would happen and that I would change from it--little did I know how much I would change. I said aloud to several people on NYE 2011 that that year would be the BEST and WORST year of my life. 

I was right. 

So, I've posted numerous statuses on Facebook over the last couple of months saying something like, '2013, I still can't get a read on you.' I've honestly had no intel or recon on the coming year until recent weeks. Instead of forcing or imagining a theme, I thought I would patiently wait,  hating the fact that I had no clue so close the start. 

Well, in recent weeks, I've begun to get an inkling that this could be MY year. I predict it will be a year of surprises, a year of fireworks (think Katy Perry), a year of knowledge and wisdom, a year of fine tuning, of celebration. 

Those are my predictions so far and I'm putting them in writing ahead of time so I can come back to this and laugh and say, 'See, I told you so!'

Right now I have NO TRAVEL PLANS for the year--not for holidays, vacations, etc. I have a few options open but not sure what will happen. Yet, I'm CERTAIN I will be traveling this year again and hopefully internationally. I didn't go international in 2012 and I'm getting the bug again. I have a few milestones I will be celebrating this year so perhaps I'll choose a trip to celebrate all of those. We will see. 

2013 is an open slate. It's the first year like that for a long time. I have a couple of amazing things happening in January that have given me a clue that the year will be a year of unexpected surprises. But I honestly feel that it's a blank canvas and that I will paint some magic with my wand this year. 

Not only is it a new year, but it's a BIG new year for me with 25. Some of you old seasoned folk will say, 'Oh, it's just another year.' Well, you know what? Nope. It isn't. This will be a special year, mark my words. We will reconvene December of '13 and I will show you what happened that was amazing. 

My last couple of birthdays have been sort of tossed in with the mayhem of everything else the year brought. In 2011, I knew I was in for some rough waters and my birthday party was tense and I was stressed out. My birthday in 2012 (in VA which was a blast), I remember being exhausted, which fit the theme of the 'rebuilding  year.' It was a whirlwind. This is the first time in a few years that I'm looking forward to the day and the magic I know it will bring. :)

Part of that has to do with what I've come to realize this year. For so long, I have been ashamed of my past--my divorce. I equated that with pain, mistakes, stupidity, and over analyzed (to the point at which minutes spent doing this added up to hours, the hours to days and the days to weeks) what I had done wrong somehow, somewhere along the line. I have a guilt complex. I always have. There is a fine line between a guilt complex and the classic victim mentality, and I'm not saying I haven't breached that line at times. 

This is where Les  Mis comes in. I will be seeing it in a very Les Mis themed bday party next weekend, but have obviously seen previews and now own the soundtrack. I found myself drawn in by the song of that film--I Dreamed a Dream--obviously. I found myself connecting with Fantine, Anne Hathaway's character. If you're not familiar with the plot, look it up. I found this odd because I'm so about happy endings, etc. So I started wondering why I was feeling such a connection to the lyrics. Some of the lyrics fit perfectly. 

He slept a summer by my side

(Actually it was 2 summers but who's counting?)

And filled my days with endless wonder

(Yes, indeed...so many beautiful warm, summer days)

He took my childhood in his stride

But he was gone when autumn came.

(Yes, indeed). 

But, no, I don't dream of days together or wish he were here. Ha. 

However, some of the lyrics don't fit at all. I'm not dreaming of us being together. Life didn't kill the dream I dreamed. I moved on. I rose above. I didn't let that and all that came with it kill me. (Granted, much worse things have happened to a lot of people, but for me, this was a huge blow that killed a big part of me. I've been focused on resurrecting that part for a long time now and am just now succeeding). I talk a lot about the way that sweet innocence is targeted by darkness. Some may say this is the real world. I would agree! But I say that remaining vulnerable beyond what life may bring is perhaps the checkmate move, the winning pair.

But, LIFE HAS NOT KILLED THE DREAM I DREAMED.

I've found a connection with a character for once because I'm thankful my story didn't end like hers did, like so many have. I CAN SING THE LYRICS ABOVE AND SMILE BECAUSE I KNOW I AM STILL DREAMING. 

The lessons I've learned from my recent experiences are invaluable to me. I have learned to be keenly aware of beauty and grace and pain--traits that have served me well in reading people and speaking to them. I can tell if people are hurting. I didn't have that talent years ago! I have an appreciation and gratefulness for life and my loved ones in it that I cannot explain. I didn't have that years ago either! 

I've never felt more confident or more beautiful. 

(And I'm not at my goal weight or in my ultimate dream job or anything yet). 

It's funny because even my New Year's resolutions reflect these changes. All of my goals are not destination focused, but journey focused, which is so odd for me to say. I'm not even quite sure how I got here. But I love it, and I love seeing the value I have in my life now. 

There's much more I could ramble on about, but I think that's it for now. Thanks for reading. And three cheers to the new year!

I know it's going to hold lots of fireworks. 

And here's the link to the song I've been listening to on repeat for hours in case you haven't heard it: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6YwuqWFTbc