I usually listen to podcasts and music on my long drives. Today, I listened to one from the infamous and amazing Tony Robbins. You have to understand that I downloaded this in July and only listened to it today. In closing, he discussed where he was on 9/11/01. I thought that was ironic. Then the story gave me chills and made me burst into tears. (I then had to duck into a Starbucks bathroom in the middle of nowhere in central Oregon and fix my makeup for my meeting). He said that he was in Hawaii for a conference that week. He met a woman who was there. She was in a serious relationship but wouldn't commit to her boyfriend because her previous boyfriend had been abducted and violently murdered. So even though she was in a serious relationship with her current boyfriend, she was scared to death. So at the conference event on the evening of September 10th, she spoke up in her small group and admitted that she was operating on fear. In fact, they got in a huge fight before she left because he thought that she was running away by going to this conference. So she called her boyfriend at work, but he didn't answer his phone. He worked in an office at the top of the World Trade Center in NYC, so she left him a message. (You are probably accurately getting an accurate feeling of this not ending well..)
So she called and her voicemail went something like this and if you've heard this story or read it later, I'm paraphrasing: "Hi. I love you so much and I'm sorry I've been so afraid to lose you. I'm ready for the next step and I want to be with you forever." Well, he called her back. But it was 3AM Hawaii time. So she was asleep and didn't hear the phone ring. So he left a message. And his message went something like this (he was crying: "I love you so much. Got your message. I was at work. I'm so happy. You've made me the happiest man alive. I can't wait for you to come home. Will try to call again tomorrow."
And as we all know, that didn't happen because he didn't make it to the end of the next work day.
I couldn't hold in the tears. There are lots of reasons why, but two things stood out.
First, I wanted to call all my loved ones and say I loved them. I didn't care about fights or pride or past isssues. None of that stuff really matters, you know? Second, I knew this hit a chord in my deepest heart of hearts in relation to myself and Ryan. (More later). Third, I found my out of a maze that I've been in for awhile.
Let me explain. If you don't know who Tony Robbins is, that's a shame. I had the privilege of seeing him speak in person in June and it was amazing. So the whole reason he brought this up in the podcast was because he was talking about how he asks people what they would do if they had a week to live at his conferences. Here's my list:
Fly to Paris
Write a novel (yes, in a week, in hopes of it somehow getting discovered and leaving my legacy)
Probably marry Ryan at a courthouse somewhere in a ballgown and a lovely hat (if he would have me that is. It's not like we are engaged and he hasn't even proposed).
Hug my parents
Watch Breakfast at Tiffany's
Write letters to all my loved ones--my family, my teachers, my extended family, a few of my colleagues--telling them how much they make a difference in this world
Eat tiramisu
Kiss Ryan lots
(And not necessarily in that order). BUT HERE'S THE THING. I've heard that question a million times. I even heard him ask it live. But my first reaction was--um A). I don't have cancer. B). I can't live like that at least right now because I have a job I have to show up to work for so I can't spend my days flying all over the world or just writing because I have to make a living.
BUT HERE'S WHAT HIT ME TODAY---IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT THE PHYSICAL THINGS I WOULD DO. IT'S ALSO ABOUT THE EMOTIONAL/SPIRITUAL.
What do I mean? Ok. Let's say I had a week to live. WHAT WOULD I NOT BE DOING????
I sure as hell wouldn't be mad at my ex! I wouldn't be mad at his family! I wouldn't be mad at the cards life has dealt me despite my best efforts! I wouldn't be upset that I'm not at my deal weight!
Why??
THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY TIME. IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
I'm all about getting through the muck that is reality. Ok? And when I look back over my journey, I am proud of the work that I've put in. Go through it, not over it--a huge lesson we learn from Finding Nemo. I'm all about going through it. And you can't fake it. You can't distract yourself or avoid it because it will come back to haunt you. (Even if it's not now, it might be in a few years when you think it's gone. Trust me). But at the same time, I wish that I would have "gotten it" earlier, sooner, faster, quicker. Whatever. Because, folks--to anyone who is going through the proverbial muck right now, staying there is so not worth it.
I have several friends dealing with rough situations right now with kids, spouses, ex spouses, soon to be ex spouses. And you've got to get through it and honestly deal and not distract or just get rid of it casually. But I often hear them getting irritated or annoyed or frustrated (and rightly so) with stupid stuff that comes with these types of situations and I have this odd emotional feeling--that of wanting to reach out and hug them tightly and at the same time, hitting them with a sledge hammer over their head to try to beat this into them so they don't lose moments I lost and am now regretting.
But I no longer have time for any of that. I'm done. I've gone through my muck. (Still going through some of it in some lingering health issues which have become really difficult to balance lately, but that's also another story). I finally realized today listing to Tony Robbins that it's not just about what you would PHYSICALLY do if you had a week to live. It's about what you would do emotionally and spiritually. And I'm done. I'm so done. I can't even convey how done I am with words. You would have to be sitting here with me looking me in the eye, listening to me talk at lightening speed, and motion with my hands to get it.
I'm focusing on the now, finally. It's hard to explain. So I'll only explain the important parts because there isn't time to beat around the bush. It's been a long road, but I'm ok. I'm ok. When I picture life without Ryan right now, it's like picturing not breathing. It's this feeling of having no air, no eyes to see color. I can't imagine it. I'm so so so thankful for what God has brought me. I can't even explain with words. I'm so thankful that I don't have time to focus on anything else. End of story, no matter how much my brain wants to fight it.
So that's my situation. What are you holding onto that it unncessary? What are you keeping that you would wouldn't give a second thought to if you had one week to live? Is there anything you're not saying to people? Is there anything you are saying to yourself that needs to stop? What would you NOT have time for if you had one week to live? That's what got my attention.
If there's anything you need to let go of, I encourage you--by whatever means possible--let go of it, sooner rather than later. And if there's anything you need to say to someone, say it.
One of my favorite songs of all time is 'Somewhere Only We Know,' by Keane. It's actually one of my songs with Ryan from years ago..(yeah...I should probably blog about that lol since not everybody knows that story). But one of Keane's lesser known songs is a a song called 'On a Day Like Today.' It's odd or interesting that they are responsble for our first song and also THIS song. I've copied the lyrics below. In remembrance of tomorrow, 9/11, I'm applying this concept. I'm applying it in the most honorably way I am able, and in a way that I believe respects the victims and those who suffered losses. I always call my closest loved ones and tell them I love them. I don't have time for anything else. That's a concept I'm going to apply from now on.
Here are the lyrics:
On a day like today
I looked at you and I
Saw something in the way
You stared into the sky
I saw you were sick
And tired of my wrong turns
If you only knew the way I feel
I'd really love to tell you
But I could never seem to say the things I needed to
On a day like today no other words would do
I saw you were sick
And tired of my wrong turns
If you only knew the way I feel
I'd really love to tell you
But I can never find the words to say and I don't know why
I can't find the words to say and I don't know why"
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