'Tis a Very Vibrant Autumn

To my faithful followers--thank you SO MUCH for subscribing to this blog. There aren't very many of you--more than I can count on my fingers, but fewer than I can count using fingers AND toes. I thank you for your loyal support. And I warn you that this post may be a jumbled run-on sentence of thoughts and ideas and revelations--all a mirror of the beautiful chaos that's been enveloping me since the season began changing. So, I thank you in advance for your patience in interpreting the web of deep and confused loveliness that's about to overtake you. And music is a huge part of my process, so get ready.

The photo to the left is a collage of photos I've taken near my apartment in Lake Oswego in the last week. I've only lived in my little lake town for two years now, but this will be my third winter here and I've been having random conversations with people about how vibrant the colors seem to be this fall--it's more than usual. There's a spark in the air. There's magic, somehow.

Lots of things are changing...'tis the season after all...

Somewhere in the midst of it all, I'm learning that I'm beautiful. I lost that a long time ago.

 I could tell you the exact moment, but this isn't the platform. It's a very sharp, poignant memory. And it will be shared another day. But the recovery is amazing and good and insane. (See my go-to recovery song--aptly  named--here):

"Yeah, cause broken people can get better if they really want to. Or at least that what I have to tell myself if I am hoping to survive!It's a long road up to recovery from here, A long way back to the light."

Random thoughts of the week:

1). For the first time ever, on my run the other day I wasn't fretting about making minor points of the story I'm currently working on. Usually, I have these grand ideas, and fall extremely short in a tiny little department we like to call LOGISTICS. Nope. Not this time. I was practically skipping down the sidewalk kicking up my heels thinking I have a brilliant story that actually works. Everything works. EVERYTHING WORKS. Sure, it needs some fine tuning. But it has all of my key ingredients--great characters that I can go a million different directions with, an action driven (READ: NOT SAPPY LOVE STORY DRIVEN). Lots of tension in relationships. A side-note of a brilliant, heart breaking love story. And better yet, it's all based on true events. It's for a cause. It's education. It's me wrapping up real problems and real issues in a fancy, exciting story-line and getting you distracted and caught up in that while I teach you stuff that's going on in your backyard. And of course, I give you resources to help and to fight on behalf of the innocent. This is the stuff I did all through high school and college--every paper or speech I could turn into 'edutainment,' I'd do it. I used to end most of my presentations in undergrad with, 'I'm Katie and I'm trying to change the world.' That was my signature. I got away from that in recent years. Well, I'm back. So yes, back to skipping down sidewalks like a giddy school girl ever so happy that my story works. It's just a matter of getting it out into the world. And that's the easy part, right? The hard part is coming up with a good story.

2). I love flowers. Obsessed with them. All kinds. What do flowers grow in? Dirt. And what helps them grow? Compost. Manure. Don't make me use the four letter word to make that analogy any more clear. I've been obsessed with that idea all week. Getting rid of manure helps beautiful, bright, vibrant flowers to grow in the world. In love with this concept. It's grade school botany and enlightenment all wrapped up in one package.

3). Strength & intuition. I wouldn't normally toss those two into a salad, but it's how they are both coming at me--together. There's an immense feeling of strength welling up, and learning to take that and breathe it unknowingly into others is a beautiful thing. It's like playing with The Force, really. And it's a blast. Coming out of a selfish perspective and being others focused is always shockingly satisfying!  I've had a few experiences lately that have reminded me of the power of intuition and discernment. I'm not doubting it anymore. Trusting that instinct and using strength, primarily via the conduit of vulnerability, is a beautiful thing.

4). I'm coming slowly back to the work I knew I was born to do when I was little. I've avoided that for years and I'm finally seeing the unique gifts and the specific beauty that I was created to bring into the world. It's really a wonderful love story and by accepting it, I can make a difference.

5). I'm not afraid to talk to anybody. When I was little, I always understood that I was created for a purpose and I was never afraid to pray or talk to God. In fact, we would often have grand conversations as I played for hours. I grew up talking to God like this about what I was supposed to do and how to do it, but then other kids start thinking you're crazy and then other teenagers and adults start thinking you're crazy. And you move away from that type of interaction, and away from a very raw form of imagination. Then you grow up and realize, crazy or not, not everyone does that and it's this unique, organic thing that is special. So it's been like that lately.

6). I'm a recovering sugar-coater. There I said it. ("Hi, I'm Katie...") I have an amazing collection of friends on all sides of politics and religion, ok. And I love this. I love the diversity and the amazing conversations I get into with my friends from all over the world. I think having people around you that think differently is incredibly healthy. It helps with two things: avoiding group think and keeping the perspective fresh. I'm all about both of those things, personally and professionally. But let's face it--as opinionated as I am, I'm a people pleaser. It's getting less and less as I get older. So fair warning to all y'all. It's not that I've changed. I'm caring less what people think and that's an awesome thing.

That's what all this healing is coming down to. I'm learning that everyone is somehow broken, and  people heal differently, and some issues and things take years to fix and lots of sledge hammering to break down. Then lots of love to build up. (Yes, I'm aware that I just typed a run-on and then a fragment). I'm learning that my body is ready to heal, ready to experience new chapters of pain and pleasure. What a blessing, right? That I'm on the edge and not fighting all of this wonderful stuff I'm learning from so many different directions.

The same approach taken toward healing the physical is happening on the inside about being beautiful. I'm ready to believe it. This isn't meant as some narcissistic ploy to get attention or compliments--this is real, brutal honesty. And beauty, of course. I lost that years ago and it's coming back.

There's a lot going on beneath the surface, which seems to be expected every fall. Much of it began with a journey of healing.  It's interesting because, of course I'm meeting people and pouring over discussion forums of hundreds of women who have dealt with similar issues, but who haven't had the support team I've had and that I've chosen to put in place around me for this. Once again, I'm drawn to my chalk board with ideas for a story--this time, not one that's fictional, but one that is a voice for women who have been dismissed casually by doctors or dismissed themselves and thinking they are going crazy. I'm drawn to be a voice for a different audience so something tangible might come from that eventually.

Within this process that I began with a stressed out, overwhelmed, frustrated brain, I'm coming through with an inspired heart that has seen patterns emerge out of nowhere and a sort of connect-the-dots picture page of seemingly unrelated issues. I've felt like an idiot, a mad scientist, and inconsistently, a brilliant, wise wizard at times during this and it's quite entertaining.

The first thing I think is interesting once again is the caliber of my support team. If you're ever going through a rough time no matter what you're dealing with, in regards to your support team--you must choose wisely.

I've been reading accounts of women who were dismissed by doctors and therapists and while I've experienced that briefly, once again, the people that walk into my life are magical. I find truly amazing people wherever I go. I seriously don't know if this is because I believe in magic, or if it's because I'm lucky. It might be both. I run into the coolest people ever so that helps my process immensely. That only gives me a burden to speak up for those who don't have such a supportive support team, for those who have experienced doubt and mocking. That's soon to come.....

I'm also writing again. Oh happy day. I've not worked this completely and comprehensively on a project since before I started college. It's a good feeling. And it's also duly noted that The Gentleman is able to handle me in the middle of that process--no small feat as I tread the line between genius and insanity working steady 8-5 work days during Monday-Friday and the crazy, exhausted, creative artist life Friday-Sunday.

Thanks for reading this crazy update. I just had to get all the randomness out on paper and it's times like these I'm glad I don't have a huge online blog following. Ha. I'm working on getting some content out about a few different journeys in my life because I meet people all the time who have gone through the same things, or something similar and we all need inspiration and we all need to know we aren't alone. It's the alone feelings of hopelessness that I think are the most damaging and the most cruel. That's when the world looks dark. When it looks like that darkness is unending, we fall into the depths of dangerous places. I have several friends right now going through dark times and while I can't fix everything, I can check in and let them know they aren't alone. The worst thing about hopelessness is that it's so freaking permanent. Right? It's not fleeting. That's not truth. The state you're in, positive or negative, won't last forever. Keep up the hope and the fight till there's a break in the battle or until you get to the other side. And don't hate the process. It's purifying and freeing, though I know that sounds grossly optimistic if you're really in the middle of a dark hole right now.

If this is you, watch this video (the WHOLE video--key scene near the end when she runs out the door in a white dress) and scream out the chorus. You're welcome.

And if you're in the crazy, beautiful, insane, learning-things-at-mock-speed section of this process,  maybe you'll find some inspiration here. Their covers move me to tears. If you don't believe in magic, listen to this. And if you still don't believe in magic, well then, I guess we need to do some work.

If you're going through something right now, find the silver lining. Find the hope somewhere. Look for those cadences of continuity and steady determination even in music written in a minor key. I'm experiencing this crazy ride that is this vibrant fall. I can't help but think it's building up to something, though I don't know what it is. But I see a need for inspiration in the world. I see gaps that hope can fill. I am beyond grateful and blessed at the people that are in my life and the loving, safe hands that have brought me hope In those unselfish, loving moments, I see magic. It can be at Starbucks or it can be with my loved ones.

So if you are hurting, find the hope, find the magic.
And if you're learning or on the other side, give the magic! Choose the method for your madness--fairy dust, wand, The Force--whatever it is.

Learning so much and feeling so much love right now! It's lovely and magical. And beautiful. And so are you. And so am I.

Till next time,

Kate