...to Beauty

I usually don't watch the news. But I caught up with a story about a young woman who was brutally murdered here. After a disappearance and a number of pleas by her husband of less than two years, family and members of her church, her body was found and the worst fears were realized.

 For those of you who don't know the story, read about it here:

http://abcnews.go.com/US/murdered-barista-whitney-heichel-raped-shot-times/story?id=17534209#.UIuUh2_A-uk.

This story took hold of me. I became obsessed with the updates, the news, everything that was going on. I posted the link on Facebook asking for prayers and happy thoughts for her family. I can't explain why this affected me so deeply. I know more about this case than I do about others that happen every day all over the world. Maybe that's it? I don't know. The entire story haunted me.

I started thinking about the way that darkness is attracted to light...even if it doesn't get criminal. I've experienced this on a MUCH LESSER scale...darkness being drawn to light, ruining it, suffocating it, needing to have its way with it.

"My thoughts have been on two concepts. First, selfish actions have seismic like consequences that reach far beyond the tiny radius of the selfish and their singular victims. This reminds me to be cognizant of that in my every day life.

Second, I can't help but think of the way that darkness is inexplicably drawn to light, which is both good and bad. This girl was loved by all who knew her and known for her light, her sweet spirit. While that light has the power of reaching many people, it also acts as a magnet to darkness, grotesqueness. I can't explain this, but have seen this played out and experienced it on MUCH lesser scales, of course. It frightens and fascinates me. Some people have a light, a shine that allows them to see people and love them, as Whitney did all over her community in basic, everyday life. She wasn't doing anything deemed extraordinary by some standards, but was essentially doing the extraordinary by loving everyone she came into contact with in every day life! It's a gift! But that gift comes with a price--it attracts darkness."

The light goes out. It doesn't come back.

For me, I had two dark battles that came simultaneously. I've made huge leaps in the strength department, but have yet to see progress in the light department, if that makes sense.

Well, here's what brought me out of it. To put it simply, I have to keep fighting. I have to keep fighting on behalf of people who can't--like Whitney. There are people everywhere who have been silenced, perhaps not in such a violent, sad way, but whose light has been put out.

So when it comes to me and my small struggles? I have to pick myself up. I have to keep trying to reclaim the innocence that life experiences take out of you, that other dark beings are drawn to suffocating.

I have to keep after that! Will I ever get back? I don't know! I have no idea!

And I'm not mistaking innocence or maturity for naivety. So don't give me the whole 'oh, that's what growing up does to a person! Welcome to the real world' line. That's a bunch of ahem...garbage. And I refuse to take it. In fact, I crinkle it up and throw it back in your face.

I will keep fighting. If I don't get back, I will literally die trying. We who are lights (and I'm not saying that pridefully...everyone has a different place and purpose in life and trust me, there's a lot that comes with it) have to keep fighting.

I don't buy into the whole 'life makes you calloused' line either. I've always been supportive of people fighting for the very vulnerability that draws darkness to them! It's that vulnerability (not stupidity) that can communicate so gently and bring grace and peace into a crazy world. We, especially women, try so hard to be calloused and protected and walled off--rightfully so because we've often been hurt or abused or taken advantage of! But you have to keep fighting. You can't let them take away what is rightfully yours!

So whether it makes sense to you or not (and it's late so I wonder), it was her story that inspired me to stop sulking, to shirk off the victim mentality once again, pick up my weapon of choice (which is the vulnerability, the innocence, the sweet, light spirit the world is drawn to), and go into battle once again. After all, 'The only thing greater than fear...is hope."

Will I get back to where I was in those videos? I don't know.

That's what this blog is about, isn't it?

(P.S. I thought this picture was more than appropriate since it is Wat Arun--The Temple of Dawn in Bangkok. And I've been there).